


Leaked

by 3ALover



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Nude Photos, Oral Sex, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-11-14 08:47:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11204532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3ALover/pseuds/3ALover
Summary: Javier and Yuzuru have been dating in secret for a while when an accidental sex photo gets out and threatens to ruin their lives.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Hello! I know it has not been long since my last fic, but this came to me randomly and I decide why not???
> 
> Not sure how often I will post chapters, but I already have the next waiting to be posted!!!
> 
> (as always, English is not my mother tongue, but I have a friend who check my English so it should all be good!)

Javier shushed Yuzuru’s tipsy giggles as they stumbled into his hotel room. “You’re too loud,” he said and Yuzuru just bit his lips, rolling them together, which only made them wet and pink when he released them, stepping into Javier’s space. He curled his hands around Javier’s cheeks, squishing them until his lips poked out and he giggled again. “Yuzu,” Javier complained, voice made funny by the way his mouth was squished. 

“You look like fish,” Yuzuru said, then leaned in without warning and kissed Javier’s mouth, releasing his hands to slide around to the back of his head. Javier moaned softly into the kiss, because a tipsy Yuzuru was enthusiastic and sloppy. It was very different from what he was used to. “Cute fish,” Yuzuru mumbled as the kiss broke and Javier smiled wide as Yuzuru did the same, his eyes crinkling nearly shut with the force of his smile.

“You taste like sake,” Javier teased and Yuzuru hummed as he mockingly tapped his chin.

“I have no idea why that happen,” he said flatly and Javier snorted and kissed him again. They had gone out for drinks after the ice show and Javier had never actually seen Yuzuru drinking before. Javier was no lush, but he liked a drink every now and then, but Yuzuru never drank. He was so careful about anything that could possibly upset his asthma, and his training schedule, so he had never seen Yuzuru have so much as a sip of the stuff. 

However, some of Yuzuru’s fellow countrymen clearly knew something Javier didn’t, because they managed to get Yuzuru to drink by ordering him sake and, though he didn’t have much, Javier wasn’t surprised it hit him enough to turn him into a giggly, less-inhibited version of Yuzuru, as tiny as he was. Javier had indulged a bit as well, and though he wasn’t giddy like Yuzuru, he was warm and loose feeling as they stood in the middle of the room trading slow, heated kisses. 

Javier was a little surprised when Yuzuru pulled away from him and planted his hands on Javier’s chest to keep him from following. “Yuzuru?” he asked and Yuzuru just smirked with a dangerous gleam to his eyes as he dropped to his knees with all his usual grace even while his cheeks were flushed with alcohol and desire. “Oh,” Javier said blankly, and Yuzuru looked up at him with a grin. “Right here?” he asked in confusion, as they were in the middle of the hotel room

“Javi has figure skater balance,” Yuzuru chastised. “You should not fall over.” He slid his hands up and down Javier’s thighs slowly as he looked at him. “Right, Javi?” he asked, and Javier groaned at the devilishness in that faux-innocent face.

“You’re going to kill me,” he said, and Yuzuru smirked, reaching up to massage his palm over the bulge in Javier’s pants.

“If you die, I do something very not right,” Yuzuru giggled, looking up at Javier as he undid the bottom buttons of Javier’s shirt. “Do the others,” he instructed and Javier immediately moved to unbutton his shirt while Yuzuru, pleased at him following his directions, unbuckled his belt and opened his pants. 

Javier groaned as his hands dropped, leaving his shirt hanging open, and watched as Yuzuru pulled his erection free of his pants and underwear, stroking it with light, teasing touches. “Yuzuru,” he sighed, and Yuzuru looked up and held his gaze with a look that almost dared him to look away as he licked his lips and then leaned in, wrapping his lips around Javier’s dick. “ _Mierda_ ,” he groaned. 

When they started doing this, Yuzuru had never had sex before and it was very noticeable. Now, however, Yuzuru had taken to sex the same way he did everything and wouldn’t rest until he was absolutely the best Javier had ever had. The way Yuzuru could turn a blowjob into an almost life-altering experience was something Javier knew was just another Yuzuru Hanyu talent. He could always tell when Yuzuru meant for a blowjob to be the entire show, because he did just what he was doing now, starting out with just the gentlest, teasing suckle on the tip while he scraped his nails down Javier’s abs and stroked his length with his free hand firmly but slowly, just getting things going. 

Javier reached down and brushed Yuzuru’s bangs from his face, looking into his beautiful brown eyes. “You enjoy this,” he accused and Yuzuru’s eyes told him everything he needed to know since Yuzuru’s mouth was occupied. He _knew_ Yuzuru wanted him to fall apart from nothing more than Yuzuru’s mouth, and he had learned damn well how to do just that. As Yuzuru started to take more of Javier into his mouth, still keeping things slow and easygoing, Javier let his head fall back and his eyes shut for a moment, just enjoying the feeling of a slow, thorough blowjob like he didn’t get very often since Yuzuru was usually too impatient for such a thing. 

Javier moaned in surprised as Yuzuru pulled off and paid some attention to his balls, choosing to look down and admire the view. Yuzuru pulled back some and stroked Javier a few times before ducking in to take him into his mouth again. Javier touched his fingertip to the hollow of Yuzuru’s cheek, biting his lip as he felt his erection moving inside Yuzuru’s mouth, but before he could mutter any praises or admirations, there was a ‘pop’ and the lamp by the bed, the only light in the room, went dark. Yuzuru pulled off of him making a confused sound. “Lightbulb?” he asked, and Javier realized he was right, that ‘pop’ was the bulb blowing.

“Yeah,” Javier said and Yuzuru hummed, though Javier couldn’t see him. 

“But you like looking,” Yuzuru said, the pout audible in his voice. “Want turn on big light?” he asked, and Javier grabbed his wrist, stopping him from moving.

“No, no, I got it,” he said, not wanting Yuzuru to stop for a second. “Just don’t stop,” he said as he fumbled in his pocket. “Here, I got-“ He unlocked his cellphone and turned on the flashlight, shining it down at Yuzuru, who blinked at the sudden glare. “Sorry, sorry,” he said, turning it so it wasn’t aimed directly at Yuzuru’s eyes. 

Yuzuru rolled his eyes. “Just do not blind,” he said, and then went back to sucking Javier, clearly deciding to get on with it. He didn’t rush, but he let up on the teasing and went to sucking him deep and stroking him faster. Javier groaned as he looked down at him. 

“So beautiful,” he muttered as he watched the enthusiasm with which Yuzuru sucked him. Yuzuru didn’t like his hair pulled, but he _loved_ when Javier petted his hair back gently, and the feeling of Yuzuru moaning around him was something Javier would never get tired of. “So pretty, look at those lips,” he purred, brushing his thumb along the seam of Yuzuru’s lips where they were wrapped around his dick, spreading the saliva in a way that he knew Yuzuru hated but wouldn’t stop him from doing. It was so hot, how red and wet his lips were with Javier’s dick disappearing between them. 

The closer he got, and the further Yuzuru took him down, swallowing around the tip a few times, the harder it was for Javier to hold onto his phone. More than once it slipped and he fumbled to stop it, pinning it against his thigh and grasping it better to aim the light back at the sight before him. By the time Yuzuru reached into his own pants and started to jerk off, making him moan and whimper around Javier as he bobbed faster, Javier had sweat dripping down the center of his back, his shirt was hanging around his elbows, his pants and slid down his thighs, and he could barely keep from spouting every curse in every language he knew as he got closer and closer after such a long, slow build up. “Yuzuru, _Querido_ ,” he moaned, and this time when he fumbled with the phone he just let it fall to the floor.

He was lucky the phone landed light-up so there was just enough light to illuminate Yuzuru and his own lower half so he could enjoy the sight of Yuzuru’s beautiful face, both hands gently holding his hair back as he panted and fought the urge to thrust, knowing that Yuzuru hated that. When he came, Yuzuru refused to let him pull back and instead swallowed it all down, making Javier’s knees tremble through his orgasm. 

Javier’s body was shaking by the time Yuzuru pulled off of him, and he tilted Yuzuru’s face up, sliding his thumb through the saliva and cum on Yuzuru’s bottom lip as he panted, one hand scrabbling at Javier’s thigh for something to hold onto as he stroked himself a few more times and then came with a strangled whine. Javier groaned at the sight of his release dripping down over his knuckles, and Javier pulled Yuzuru up, bearing his weight since Yuzuru’s knees were weak, holding him against his chest as he trembled. Yuzuru moaned through the aftershocks, fully lax against Javier’s chest. “Javi,” he breathed, and Javier kissed him, eliciting another shaky moan. 

“You’re incredible,” Javier chuckled hoarsely as he tugged Yuzuru’s arms up to drape around his shoulders, encouraging him to hang onto him. 

Yuzuru grinned, blinking up at him dopily. “You like?” he asked, and Javier snorted.

“Oh, _Querido_ , I don’t think you need to ask,” he said, reaching up to brush his thumb across his wet chin. 

Yuzuru gave him a smug look, hanging onto his shoulders. “Good, you carry me to the shower, then,” he said and Javier grinned and grabbed him under the thighs, picking him up fully.

“Your wish is my command, Yuzu,” he agreed, carrying him to the bathroom after stepping out of his pants so he didn’t trip. 

Neither of them remembered about Javier’s phone on the floor until they woke up to it ringing the next morning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy you guys liked the last one!!! HAVE MORE!

Yuzuru was going to throw up, Javier was pretty sure. They were lucky enough Brian had talked Yuzuru’s mother into not answering her phone or talking to anyone or else Javier was pretty sure Yuzuru would have launched himself out of the nearest window from the twelfth floor hotel room they were in. They were also lucky Brian had talked the JSF officials into letting him talk to Yuzuru before anybody else, because Javier was far more comfortable with Brian’s no-nonsense, no-judgement demeanor being the one to break the news to them than officials.

They had been summoned to Brian’s hotel room and he had let them in (thankfully his partner had vacated for this unfortunate meeting) and turned his tablet around as soon as they were inside and rolled up the screen cover and said, “Please, for the love of everything sacred in the universe, tell me this photo the world woke up to this morning isn’t actually Yuzuru and it didn’t actually come from Javier’s phone.”

It was a photo of Yuzuru with Javier’s dick in his mouth. 

Javier had sat down on the foot of the nearest bed with a ‘flump’ when his knees gave up but Yuzuru visibly stiffened, his eyes trained on the tablet. Brian groaned at their reactions. “Oh jeez,” he said, quickly putting the screen cover back and tossing the tablet onto his bed. “I don’t even know where to start, guys. Most importantly,” he put a hand to his forehead. “I could have lived my entire life without seeing that, thank you,” he said in a somewhat bitchy tone and Javier grimaced. “Also, Yuzuru, you’re so lucky I found out before anyone told your mom and I was able to warn her to not look at anything on her phone this morning,” he said, and Yuzuru slowly turned from deathly pale to slightly green, hence Javier’s suspicion that he was going to puke soon. “What on earth possessed either of you to do that?” he asked, seeming more confused than upset with them. “Guys, it’s 2017, you’re not this stupid!”

Javier reached out and grabbed Yuzuru’s hand before he could start his thousand apologies and stood up again. “How are you sure it’s us?” he said quickly. “All you see in that photo is from collar bones to the very bottom of nostrils,” he said, and it was true. The photo was clearly from one of the times he fumbled with his phone, because it was a washed out photo, since the flashlight had been on, of a mouth with a dick in it, a chin, jaw, and ear, some dark hair, and then a neck down to the collar bone. 

Brian paused. “Actually, that’s a really good idea,” he said, looking mildly relieved. “It’s bullshit,” he said quickly, looking at Javier. “I know what the bottom half of Yuzuru’s face looks like, but that is something Yuzuru can claim, that it’s not him, just someone with a similar chin and jaw.” 

“My necklace,” Yuzuru finally murmured, head bowed down in shame. “You can see my necklaces in the photo.”

“Tons of people have necklaces like yours,” Javier said, looking at him. “Your necklaces are distinct, yes, but that also means if someone was dressing up like you, they would have the same ones.”

Yuzuru looked up with tears in his eyes, and Javier felt even more like shit than before. “It came from your phone, he said,” he pointed out. “Why would you have pictures of someone dressing up like me?”

Brian hummed. “Well, actually they are alleged to come from his phone. He didn’t accidentally tweet them or something, someone claimed they got that text from Javier Fernandez and someone else screenshotted the text they got from that person saying that, and someone else they shared that with posted it online, and it spread from there.” He looked at Javier. “I’m assuming it’s not a close friend or a relative if they got a text like that and shared it with someone else, so chances are you can deny it happened like that.”

Yuzuru sniveled some, looking up with tears streaking his face. “But everybody I know will know it is really me,” he said in the most pitiful voice. “E- Everybody will see and they know my face is not a stranger that just look like me.” He let out a soft sob. “Oh my God, all my friends and family will see,” he cried, and Javier reached out to put a hand on his neck to pull him into a hug but Yuzuru swatted his hand away. “Javi, tell me you did not on purpose,” he demanded, looking up at him with horrified, tear-filled eyes. “You said phone for light, why not just turn on lights in room? Was it to take photo-“

“Yuzuru, come on, _no_ ,” he stressed. “Yuzu, I would never do that to you or anybody,” he said firmly. “Also, why would I send someone a photo of myself getting a blowjob?! That’s crazy!”

Brian groaned. “I don’t need to hear about these things, guys, come on,” he said desperately and Javier blushed a little.

Yuzuru whimpered. “People do not see you naked, Javi, nothing in the photo is ident- identity- I- Argh!” Yuzuru let out a frustrated cry, putting his hands over his face as his shoulders shook with tears. 

Brian reached out and put a hand on his back. “Identifiable,” he said softly and Yuzuru let out a hoarse sob and nodded. Brian sighed. “Look, Yuzu, it could be worse. Your full face isn’t in the photo. You _can_ deny it. Both of you can. I know that doesn’t make it any less terrible,” he comforted. “But at least you can deny it and you probably won’t lose any sponsors or anything. I know your friends and family will still know it is you, but this won’t be the end of the world, I promise.”

Javier bit his lip. “You know I would never do that to you, right?” he asked, and Yuzuru picked up his head, meeting Javier’s eyes with a look that broke his heart. Yuzuru’s entire face screamed utter defeat, and his cheeks shined with tears. “Yuzuru, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry this happened.”

Yuzuru nodded mutely, looking back down at his hands. He reached out and hesitated a second before sliding his small, slender fingers into Javier’s. “I believe you,” he whispered.

Brian looked less angry and more sad for them as he looked at the two of them. “Javi, you need to leave like nothing has happened and be seen with your girlfriend for the next few days. Yuzuru, your mother has already arrived in the city and is waiting at a nearby airfield. A security team will be here for you soon. You’re leaving out the back and the JSF has already arranged a private flight to get you home without anybody confronting you.” Javier cringed, because that sounded like they were taking this very, very seriously. “I’m sure you’ll have to deal with them, but just sell it that it’s not you, it’s someone dressed like you,” he stressed. “Javi, I’m sure you’ll get a call from your own committee as well since this could cost you sponsors, but it won’t,” he said quickly, before Javier could even panic. “You find out who leaked the photo and discredit them.”

Javier nodded. “It’s- it’s probably best if we don’t come up with a story together,” Javier said to Yuzuru, who looked confused. “If it sounds rehearsed people will know it.” He shook his head. “You don’t comment about where the photos come from, and I won’t comment about what’s in them. Not more than to say, “I don’t know about that” or something,” he said, and Yuzuru nodded silently. 

“Alright guys,” Brian said, looking at the two of them. “Most of all, you really shouldn’t be seen together in the coming weeks. I know Javi mentioned going to visit your parents, Yuzuru, but I think it’s probably for the best that doesn’t happen.”

Javier realized with a pang of sadness that he was right. He had been looking forward to that. He hadn’t met anyone but Yuzuru’s mother before. However, he had a feeling it would be a very awkward trip if he showed up after this. “I should go get my things and check out, then,” Javier finally said. He looked at Yuzuru, who was still so quiet and curled in on himself. “Will you be okay?”

Yuzuru nodded, not looking at him. “I will see you in Niigata,” he said quietly and Javier felt it like a blow to the chest. Yuzuru was closing himself off and it hurt. 

Normally he would never do it with Brian in the room, but Javier knew he couldn’t just walk out, so he stepped closer and took Yuzuru’s face in his hands. Yuzuru’s cheeks were still wet with tears and he looked so broken and helpless when his eyes met Javier’s. “I-“ There were so many things Javier wanted to say, so many apologies, requests, pleas, everything. Instead, he just closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Yuzuru’s. “I love you, Yuzuru,” he whispered. He pulled back and brushed a kiss to Yuzuru’s forehead before stepping back.

“Te amo,” Yuzuru barely even whispered, but Javier heard it and it made his heart slowly unclench in his chest so he was able to breathe again as he released his hand. He clapped Brian on the shoulder in silent thanks and then left, going to get his things and leave before anything could go worse than it already had.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here is another! I'm sorry all these chapters are so short but I am dividing them as they seem to fit as chapters. 
> 
> Anyways, more soon!

Miki was visibly angry the moment he saw her, and he knew she already knew. However, when he tried to talk about it, she just told him, ‘not now’, and he went to pack his things from his room while she packed hers from the room assigned to Yuzuru and they left. The lobby of the hotel was blissfully emptied of press and they made it to the car waiting for them without having to speak to anyone, though just barely. The look on the man’s face as Javier jumped into the car and shut the door in his face was not a happy one.

They didn’t talk in the car or on the train or at all, really. He knew she was going to demand an explanation when they got home, but for now he was stuck agonizing in silence for hours over how upset she really was. He never wanted to hurt her. 

When Javier and Miki first started dating, their relationship was real. For the entire first year of their relationship, everything was a normal, happy couple’s relationship. Javier loved her and he loved Himawari, and they were a family. When they first met, that was what Javier signed up for, because though he and Miki were friends when they were training, she made it clear when they reconnected that she wasn’t in for a casual relationship. Her daughter needed stability and a family, and if he wasn’t interested in that being a possibility, then they shouldn’t bother trying. Javier had always known one day he wanted to be a father, and Miki and he just clicked, so he decided to do it. 

For him, Miki had always been the type of person he just clicked with. She very quickly became his best friend. They got along so well and they understood each other. She was a comfort to him and he was a rock for her. He was so happy to build a life with her knowing that, though he wasn’t Himawari’s birth father, he was the only father she would ever know. Even he didn’t know who her real father was, Miki was so set on never telling anyone, and he was honestly glad. She was the light of his life, his little sunflower, and he loved her more than he ever thought he could love anything or anyone.

Including Yuzuru.

Javier loved Miki, but he never loved her the way he loved Yuzuru. He knew from the start that Yuzuru would never love him back, which was why he was happy enough to build a life with Miki and Himawari. And for over a year, that worked for them. However, Javier missed Yuzuru going from a boy to a man somewhere, and he also missed whenever Yuzuru started to look at him the way he had wanted him to look at him for so long. But when he noticed, it became so hard to not look right back. He loved Miki, and she was the perfect partner for him, but there never was the electricity and magnetism he shared with Yuzuru. 

He had felt so stuck for a long time, longing for Yuzuru, who clearly returned his feelings, but feeling devoted to Miki and Himawari. He had made his choice and he couldn’t break his family – because they were his family in every way that counted – for love for someone else, no matter how strong it was. In the end, it was Miki who brought it up, not him. She had realized how in love he was with Yuzuru, and when she asked him about it, Javier had broken down crying, because he loved her, just not the way he loved Yuzuru, but he was happy and didn’t want to lose that. 

Miki proved to be his perfect match in every way when she revealed to him that, though she did love him, she really did not love him that way either. She admitted she had realized not very long into their relationship that she loved him but not in a sexual or romantic way. She was like he was, happy with their family and didn’t want to ruin that by admitting that she didn’t really want him the way she should. It made sense, Javier had realized, because their interactions were still loving and comfortable, but the ‘fire’ had gone out long ago. They went through the motions of a sexual and romantic relationship to keep their real love as a family safe. 

When they decided that perhaps they could make it work, since neither of them wanted to go their separate ways, being a family without being in a romantic relationship. They could be partners in parenthood, they could still be family, they still loved each other, but they couldn’t keep living a lie about being romantically in love and not eventually grow to resent each other. Javier knew nobody would understand the idea of best friends co-parenting a child the way they were, so they agreed to keep up the appearance of a happy couple. It wasn’t hard because they were a happy couple, just not a happy _romantic_ couple. 

The only ones who knew of the change were their families until Yuzuru found out. Embarrassingly, Yuzuru saw Miki flirting with a cute guy – because appearances or not, Javier wouldn’t expect her to live a life of celibacy – that worked at the rink for an ice show, and he had spent two days agonizing over whether to tell Javier or confront her, deciding in the end to confront her and ask how she could ever hurt someone as wonderful as Javier, and she had to explain the whole situation to keep from straining things.

She never got a chance to tell Javier she explained before Yuzuru found him alone in a corridor and tugged him into a storage closet to kiss him. Javier had been shocked and confused, but when Yuzuru babbled that Miki had explained and he had to kiss Javier as soon as he could because he had been dying inside having to repress the urge, Javier had laughed until they were both in tears over their ridiculous situation. 

For a long time now, they had been so happy. When he and Yuzuru got together, he explained everything to Brian and he and Yuzuru explained the situation to Yuzuru’s parents. Yuzuru could never be publicly out, so Yuzuru was entirely happy with the whole situation. It was perfect for everybody involved. Miki got to give her daughter a father who loved her, Javier got to have a family, and Yuzuru and Javier got to be together. Everything was as perfect as it could ever get. 

Now, there was a photo of Yuzuru giving a blowjob claimed to be sent from Javier’s phone all over the internet, and though they could deny it all, it was still out there so the doubt was in everybody’s mind. Some people would believe their cover up. Other people would always think it was a lie. People would claim he was cheating on Miki. Some people might even claim it was a photo _of_ Miki, not Yuzuru. Some people would say it was Yuzuru but not from Javier’s phone. Everybody would at least question, ‘what if?’ regarding Yuzuru’s sexuality now. Even those who believed the lies would still have that niggle of doubt in their mind. Yuzuru’s family would know it was real just by default. His friends would know his face well enough to find out the truth about his sexuality whether they thought it was Javier or not. 

He and Miki had already discussed how when Himawari was old enough to realize Papa had a boyfriend they would have to try and explain their family and relationships in a way she would understand she couldn’t tell anyone about it. Now there would come a day when Himawari was old enough to understand sex and the internet, she would inevitably find out that when she was little, Papa and his boyfriend had a sex photo leak to the internet. 

Javier could only imagine how traumatizing this would end up being for everyone involved. 

~

Yuzuru’s mother took one look at him when he got onto the plane where she was waiting and simply pressed her lips together before looking away. “So it’s true, then.”

Yuzuru burst into tears and ignored the man telling him to get into his seat and buckle up for takeoff and moved quickly to drop his backpack and fall to his knees in front of his mother. “I’m so sorry for the shame I have brought you, Mom,” he choked out. He knelt with his shoulders shaking with sobs. “I brought shame to our family and I’m sorry!”

Yuzuru didn’t lift his head as he sobbed until his mother put a hand under his chin and made him look up at her. “Yuzuru,” she said, and he couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes for the shame. “Look at me,” she murmured and he forced himself to look her in the eyes. All he saw there was sadness, not accusation, and it made him confused. “Yuzuru, why did you even take a photo?” she asked in a calm tone that countered his ugly-crying. 

“It was an accident! Taking it and it getting out! He would have never taken that photo and I would have not let him take it even if he wanted to,” Yuzuru babbled, shaking his head. “And it was an accident, he was not looking at the screen of the phone while holding it with his hand on the screen and it just happened!”

She looked at him for a long time and nodded. “Okay,” she said, and Yuzuru just cried harder. He let his head drop to her knees and cried in his mother’s lap while she slowly stroked his hair while he cried.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it is short again, but there is logic to the way I post! I'm grouping 'topics' together, sort of. 
> 
> Sorry, still.

Javier was almost glad Himawari fell asleep so early after he and Miki picked her up from her grandparents and took her home. Miki and he needed to talk before he had to make any official statements. It had been too long already, but he needed to talk to her first. 

They sat down with cups of tea and Miki finally exhaled and turned to face him from her spot across the table. “What did you do?” she asked in a tight voice.

Javier hung his head. “This was a horrible accident-“

“I saw the photo, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t so horrible for you,” she accused and he spluttered.

“You think I took a photo of him on purpose?” he demanded. “We were using my phone as light and, as you probably noticed, I was a little distracted so when I fumbled with it and my fingers went all over the screen, it snapped a picture and messaged it to someone who fucking told someone and that someone shared it with someone else and then that person put it online. I didn’t do any of this on purpose!”

Miki narrowed her eyes. “You seriously weren’t taking sex photos?” she asked and he nodded seriously.

“I wasn’t,” he swore. He held up a hand. “Miki, you know more than anybody how important it is to Yuzuru’s life that we keep our relationship a secret. Do you think I would ever take the risk of having dirty photos of him? We don’t even talk about our relationship over messages because that means there is proof out there that we’re in a relationship. If it’s not in person, we don’t explicitly say anything like ‘I love you’ or the word ‘boyfriend’,” he stressed. 

She looked at him for a long time and then lowered her head some. “This is going to be hell for him,” she said in a heavy tone. Miki shook her head. “I got hell for an unplanned pregnancy while still competing. It destroyed my prospects for sponsors and my self-confidence. I didn’t just retire to be with Himawari, I retired because I couldn’t face the scrutiny anymore.” Miki sighed. “I’ve never understood how Yuzuru handles the attention already. Now this…” She trailed off. “He’s so young and this might ruin everything.”

Javier knew what she meant. He was already suffering the crap involved with figure skating politics in a country like Japan. Yuzuru had faced a lot of crap from people in positions of power who really wanted to spend more time and money lifting other Japanese skaters beyond Yuzuru in the eyes of the public because he didn’t have the most quads and had a few bad performances in competition for the season. Javier couldn’t imagine how anyone could justify calling Yuzuru ‘old news’ when he beat his own world records and nobody else ever came close. 

All of that was regular sporting politics. Now he had a scandal. 

“Brian and I have our plan, and Yuzuru agreed to it,” Javier said softly. “Yuzuru will deny it’s him in the photo. It’s only of his mouth and chin and neck, and even if he thinks his necklaces are identifiable, it’s easy for someone else to get necklaces like his and pretend to be him. It’s famous, so this is explainable as someone trying to make trouble.”

Miki looked at him doubtfully. “And it coming from you?” she asked.

“It’s not directly from me,” Javier said. “The guy that the message sent to was a random guy I got a ride from at a party once. I only had his number because a friend of a friend sent him to pick me up and he needed to be able to tell me he was outside and I never deleted the contact.” Javier ruffled his hair. “I don’t know the person he shared it with, I don’t know who they shared it with that put it online, none of those people can be linked to me. I can deny it came from me and claim that was a lie, too. It’s easy to paint this like someone manufactured a scandal.”

Miki hummed, sipping her tea. “People in the JSF will never believe that. They will never buy the lie.”

“We just need the public to buy the lie enough that the JSF will tow the line if sponsors start asking questions,” Javier said, shaking his head. “This is horrible for both of us, but it’s keeping the ship from sinking, not repainting the hull,” he said and she snorted at his analogy. “He’s Yuzuru Hanyu,” he said softly. “It’s an Olympic year and he’s Yuzuru Hanyu, no amount of scandal is going to stop him from breaking his own records again, and the sponsors need to know that that visibility is worth more than the risk of people boycotting their brands because their spokesperson gave an unprovable blowjob.”

“But what if it messes him up?” she suggested, looking at him. “You know how stressful his life is already. What if this pushes him over the edge? If he blows this season, that’s it. He’s done.”

“He won’t,” Javier said firmly. “Yuzuru gets mad when something happens that makes people doubt him. Look at this past year,” he said with a swelling of pride in his chest. “How often does someone come from sixth after the short program to win gold?” he asked. “He lives to prove people wrong. I know he can survive this. It won’t be easy, and I’m terrified he’ll grow to resent me for putting him in this situation, even accidentally, but I have confidence in him.”

Miki nodded slowly. “That is, true.” She looked at her cup. “How is he? How are you two?” she asked and Javier’s face fell some. She cringed. “That bad?”

Javier ran a hand over his face, pushing his hair back. “He knows that his family and friends will all know that photo is really him and most of them will see it, and he can’t bear it. I only got to see him for a short while before we had to both flee the hotel basically, but he was crying so hard it broke my heart. I’m sure when he had to face his mother it was only worse.”

Miki grimaced. “I feel so sorry for him. He’s lived his life as a beacon of hope and now he’s facing being a symbol of shame. I can’t imagine that. And his poor mother,” she groaned. “I’m sure she’s embarrassed but she has to be so scared for him. If I had to watch Himawari suffer and know I couldn’t do anything for her like Yuzuru’s mother is going to have to with him, I don’t know what I would do.”

Javier couldn’t imagine it. Knowing that people were going to verbally attack his child, knowing that his could would face the equivalent of mental torture, and knowing there was no way to stop it or shield his child from such pain, it made his insides twist and his heart break even more over this entire situation. It was his fault for using the phone for light and now Yuzuru’s family would suffer because Yuzuru was suffering. He was so glad he hadn’t gone to stay with them as planned, because he was pretty sure Yuzuru’s father and sister would hate him the second they met him now. 

“I just feel so guilty,” Javier whispered, looking down at his cup. “It was a horrible accident, but it’s still my phone and I feel so guilty. If we hadn’t been drinking, if we hadn’t had sex, if I had just left my phone in my pocket-“

Miki’s hand slid across the table to hold his and she shushed him. “You aren’t to blame, Javi. You’re allowed to have a few drinks. You’re allowed to have sex with the man you love. You couldn’t have known your phone would do that-“

“But it still happened, Miki,” he countered. “Whatever way you spin it, I did this to him. Yes, I’m going to be embarrassed and face scrutiny, too, but the world can’t compare my penis to the one in the photo, so I don’t have to prove it’s not me nearly as hard as he has to try and prove it isn’t his _face_.” Javier ducked his head. “It’s all just so hard.”

Miki rubbed his wrist in silence, comforting him the best way she could.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long but here you guys go! More fic and more feels!!!

Yuzuru didn’t know what to do as he sat and let the panel of officials from the JSF discuss the situation while he and his mother sat across from them at a long table in a very important office somewhere. He couldn’t remember the last time he faced possibly discipline from anybody other than maybe Brian or his mother. According to Brian, he had been asked to stay in Japan and meet to discuss his part in ‘allowing’ such indiscretion to take place between his skaters. Brian was in trouble for something Yuzuru had done and it made him feel even worse.

Yumi had been asked to let them speak to Yuzuru on his own since he wasn’t a minor, but she had refused. He was grateful that his mother wouldn’t let him face this alone. 

“You have to understand how badly this looks, Hanyu-san.” Yuzuru nodded silently as the woman looked down at him. “We want to understand the facts of the situation to decide how to move forward.”

Yuzuru cleared his throat, understanding what he was being asked. “The person in the photograph is not me. I don’t know where the photo came from, I don’t know who is in it, but it is not me.”

There were murmurs amongst the group and a man spoke up. “Is this your official position?” he asked, and Yuzuru nodded. The man hummed, tapping his pen against his notebook. “There is very little doubt that that is your face in that photograph. Though it only shows part of your face, it is very similarly looking.”

Yuzuru shook his head. “I am sure there are people with similar shaped faces as mine in the world. I realize it looks like me, but it is not.”

“What do you say about your very recognizable necklaces in the photo?” someone else asked. “You are wearing them even now.”

Yuzuru bowed his head. “There are many fans with necklaces like mine. It is very likely someone dressing up like me took the photograph, but it is not me.”

His mother grabbed his hand under the table as someone finally asked what he feared all along. “Hanyu-san, are you having a sexual relationship with Javier Fernandez?”

He held his chin up and looked straight ahead as he answered. “I am not gay, so no,” he said firmly.

Yuzuru’s heart pounded and he barely managed not to audibly exhale when they turned their attention away from him to speak to each other instead.

~

Javier had to defend himself over video, since he couldn’t leave Japan so close to the next ice show, to the FEDH. Miki sat across from him as he spoke to them, watching supportively, but it wasn’t like she could understand what he was saying since it was in Spanish.

“You understand, Mr. Fernandez, that it doesn’t look good,” the _president_ of the FEDH said, and Javier grimaced.

“I understand that entirely, but it wasn’t from me. I’m telling you all I can,” he stressed. “The man who received the text he claims was from me is a man I don’t even know. I think he was at a party I was at one time. I do not know him.”

“But is the photo really of our training mate, Yuzuru Hanyu?” he was asked and Javier shrugged, waving a hand.

“I don’t know. It kind of looks like him, but I highly doubt it. It’s probably a fan dressed up like him,” he said. “As far as I know, he isn’t gay, but even if he was, there is no way I would have a photo of that on my phone,” Javier defended.

There was a pause and murmuring on the other end before they looked forwards. “Look, Mr. Fernandez. There’s no easy way to say this.” Javier waited, raising an eyebrow. “There have been rumors for years about you and… Mr. Hanyu.” Javier frowned. “It was never any of our concern, so we never made any point of it, but this scandal changes things.”

Javier sighed. “I’m not in a sexual relationship with Yuzuru Hanyu, I have never been in one, and, here-“ Javier turned the phone around and Miki blinked in surprise. He swapped to English. “Miki, am I gay?” he asked, and she laughed.

“No, Javier is not gay,” she said, waving. “Hi, I’m his girlfriend, if you didn’t know,” she said, just as Himawari went running past the room behind her, chasing the cat. She rolled her eyes and laughed. “And that’s our daughter,” she said and Javier turned the phone back to himself, going back to Spanish.

“If I had really posted a photo of a man having sex with me, do you think she would be so happy with me?” he asked, and the people on the other side of the video looked at each other appraisingly. “Look, I understand this is bad. But my official position, and the _truth_ , is that this person is lying about where the photo came from and I was not involved in the sex act in the photo.”

There was a long pause before the president of the FEDH nodded, sighing. “Alright. We’ll make an official announcement. You can follow it up with a personal announcement. The rumors will be rough, but you shouldn’t lose sponsors as long as we back you up.”

Javier relaxed some and nodded his head. “Thank you,” he said genuinely. “I just really don’t want this to damage my preparations for the Olympic year.”

“Neither do we, Mr. Fernandez. Neither do we.”

~

Before he was set to leave the country, Brian went out of his way to visit both Yuzuru and Javier to make sure everything was going to plan. Javier felt so much comfort in knowing Brian wasn’t just leaving them on their own. He tried to stay out of their personal lives, but when this jeopardized their careers, he was right there with Javier, giving him the same fatherly advice he always did. Javier hadn’t met many people he respected more than he did Brian.

As Miki showed Brian’s partner around the house so that he wasn’t left waiting awkwardly while Brian and Javier met, Brian sat down at the table while Javier waited for the water to boil for tea. “So, how has it been so far?” Brian asked. “I saw the official release and your post after that,” he said, and Javier grimaced.

“It hasn’t been great,” he admitted. “I’ve avoided as much as I can, but my sister tells me that the top theories on the internet are that it’s Miki in the photos and it was from my phone, or that it’s Yuzuru’s from his phone and I leaked it to ruin his season so I can beat him.” Javier gave Brian a flat look. “I’m not sure if those theories are better or worse than people thinking it is what it is.” He carried the tea over to Brian once it finished and sat opposite him. “How’s Yuzuru?” he asked softly. He looked down at his cup. “We haven’t really talked. He just says he’s ‘fine’ if I text him to check on him.”

Brian made a sound. “It’s not great,” he said with a sad smile. “I only saw him in person once, and he’s getting bags under his eyes from lack of sleep,” he said and Javier’s chest clenched. “His mother says even though his father and sister have tried to reassure him they don’t blame him, he’s torturing himself over being a source of great shame to them.”

Javier grimaced. “That’s Yuzuru, alright,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t imagine all the hoops he’s having to jump through anyways. The JSF didn’t release the statement until this morning.”

“They tried to fire me so they had to hold off on finalizing it,” Brian said and Javier choked on his tea in shock. “Oh yeah,” Brian said with a mocking smile. “They called me in and spent half an hour berating me via translator for ‘allowing it to happen’. They don’t buy Yuzuru’s story even though they’re running with his account, but he wasn’t there, so they straight up told me that they thank me for how much good I’ve done Yuzuru, but they think it’s my fault he was put around you and that my ‘style of coaching’ has in some way ‘had a negative influence’ on him.” Brian scoffed. “I really wish they had just come out and said it: they think because I’m gay I somehow recruited Yuzuru or something since he was so young when he came to me.”

Javier groaned. “Oh my God, seriously?” He slapped a hand over his eyes. “What about the trying to fire you part?”

Brian laughed. “That’s the part where they offered me money to back out of the contract I have since there’s a clause that says either party can terminate the agreement during the off-season without a lawsuit. But I pointed out that they aren’t on the contract, it’s between me and Yuzuru as of him turning twenty, not even his mother can make that decision, and they had him come in, which was when I saw him.”

Javier gave a tiny smile of amusement. “How did that work out?” he asked, already knowing Yuzuru would _not_ be okay with that. 

“Well…” Brian’s smile faded. “He was pissed and outraged at what they were trying to do, but then he got all sad and almost started crying about how it was unfair to punish me because of Yuzuru’s failings. And he went on about how he can’t do this without me and if I quit our contract now, Yuzuru’s Olympic season would be ruined more than his reputation is, and it was funny at first, but God, it just got so painful,” he finished. He shook his head. “He’s not in a good place. He’s just not.”

Javier rubbed at his jaw, ducking his head. “I worry about him. He’s so strong and so brave, but his heart is so fragile,” Javier murmured. “When he fails, he comes back stronger, but this isn’t falling in his steps sequence, this is his reputation and his position as a source of pride for his country. Yuzuru only ever wants to be someone that his people can be proud of, and this is not something that can just have a free skate miracle to erase from people’s minds what he ‘failed’ at.”

Brian nodded. “I know. I really think the best thing is to just get him back to Canada as fast as possible and away from the scrutiny, but when I suggested that, he refused to not do the last date of the ice show,” he said, and Javier groaned as his heart sank.

“Oh God, I forgot about that. Miki and I can’t back out, either, or it will look like we’re hiding,” he realized. “Oh God, and Yuzuru will have to face not just some of his closest friends, but some of his biggest heroes.” Javier laughed weakly. “This is the longest week of my life.”

Brian hummed. “Well, it will be the longest weekend of his, remember that.” Brian winced. “Sorry, sorry. I promise, I’m not trying to show any sort of preference between you two-“

Javier shook his head. “Oh no, no. I absolutely don’t feel that’s what you mean at all,” he reassured. “Trust me, if there is one thing that I understand, it is that Yuzuru is suffering far more than I am. Nobody can compare pictures of me to that photo, I have a girlfriend to show off as a distraction, and most of all,” Javier smiled bitterly. “I am not Yuzuru Hanyu.”

Brian nodded with that same sad smile with a tinge of contempt at the world. “Nobody is Yuzuru Hanyu, Javi. Except him.” He sighed and sipped his tea. “And nobody can figure out how in the hell he’s meant to survive the ice show other than him, either. You and Miki will probably get some looks, but you won’t have to look back knowing they all have seen your face in that photo.”

Javier’s heart clenched. “He says he does not blame me, but I blame myself. I’m so sure he will never forgive me for this. Accident or not, it’s my fault and only time will tell if I’ve ruined the career of the best figure skater of all time,” Javier all but whispered.

No reply came from Brian and Javier was almost glad, because if someone told him he was right to blame himself, he was pretty sure he would shatter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To celebrate my computer being fixed, ENJOY!!!

Miki was uncomfortable to say the least when she and Javier arrived at the final stop of the ice show. They couldn’t skip it, but it was going to be so awkward. Javier was upset because when they arrived at the hotel, expecting their usual set-up of her getting the keys to Yuzuru’s room and he and Yuzuru sharing their room, they were informed that Yuzuru wasn’t staying at that hotel, he was at a different one, so they couldn’t just go up to his room and do the swap they had done twice this summer. 

Javier had gone to try and find Yuzuru and talk as soon as they arrived at the rink, so Miki was by herself as she went to the dressing rooms backstage. She was going to just go straight to the ladies dressing rooms, but when she passed by the door, she heard Javier’s name and stopped.

“Do you really believe what they say about him?” someone asked and she peeked through the crack in the door to see it was the Canadian guy. “They said it wasn’t from his phone, but do you buy it?”

Miki’s heart sank, but the reply was a little comforting. “I don’t think it’s any of our business,” Lambiel said. She knew that voice even if he wasn’t visible. “What is in the photo or where it came from, it’s none of anybody’s business. If he says it wasn’t from his phone, then that’s all anybody should say about it.”

“Oh, come on, you really aren’t curious? What if it is what it seems like?” She wasn’t sure who said that but it wasn’t the same person.

“Then it’s a horrible breach of privacy that anybody ever saw it,” an American voice said. “Nobody should have to deal with that sort of embarrassment or the shit-show that follows it. At this point, even if it isn’t what it looks like and didn’t come from where it’s rumored to come from, two great people are suffering a world of bullshit for it, and it’s childish of any of us to even address the issue and make it harder for them.”

“Exactly.” Miki knew that voice, but she was surprised to hear Nobunari speak up. “I’m almost positive it isn’t what it looks like, because the risk of exactly what has happened happening would stop Yuzuru from _ever_ taking that photo in the first place. It’s sick that somebody would fake that and risk ruining his entire career. It’s a miracle the JSF didn’t cut his funding and remove him from his coach over this even though it’s not him. This kind of scandal could have ruined his life and he’s only twenty-two. It isn’t funny for any of us to speculate about something that almost destroyed a good person. Everybody in this room respects him, or should, and this disgusting prank could have ruined his future, and I just hope it hasn’t ruined his season from all the shame and stress.” There were some grumbles before he spoke again. “Both of them are good men and both of them don’t deserve for any of us to so much as look at them funny this weekend.”

Miki had never been more grateful that Javier had a tendency to be late places than she was when she looked up and saw him coming towards the dressing rooms She quickly turned and opened the door to the men’s dressing room before laughing and being ‘flustered’. “Oh no, I mixed up the rooms!” she said, putting a hand over her eyes. “Sorry, boys!”

There were some cries of mock embarrassment and a lot of laughs, and by the time Javier came to the doorway, there was no chance of him overhearing what they all were saying. Javier just grinned, putting a hand on her back. “Oh, I get it, I’m no longer enough for you, you have to sneak looks at other men,” he joked, leaning in to kiss her cheek before passing her and letting her wave to the others and leave.

“Maybe,” she joked, patting his side as she headed out down the hallway. She was worried, but now she was less worried than she had been about someone bringing things up around Javier and Yuzuru.

~

Javier could tell from the way everybody was avoiding looking at him or talking to him that they definitely were thinking about the photo. His phone vibrated in his lap and he eagerly snatched it up only to deflate when it wasn’t from Yuzuru but from Miki.

_Have you talked to Yuzu yet?_

Javier grimaced and typed out a reply.

_No. I was hoping this text was from him, but he won’t answer me._

“Everything okay?” Javier looked up and smiled tightly, figuring he may as well just break the ice.

“Yeah, Miki was just asking if I had found Yuzuru. She’s worried about him. We all are,” he said, giving a strained smile.

There were a few grimaces before Nobunari finally gave him a smile. “Don’t worry, he’s alright. How’ve you been? What a terrible prank, huh?” he said, clearly trying to draw the attention away from any who might ask if it was real or fake.

Javier rolled his eyes. “I’m so lucky Miki knows both of us and knows it’s all just someone’s idea of a terrible joke,” he said firmly. “My own mother called me and asked if I had something I wanted to tell her,” he said, grimacing dramatically. “Miki didn’t for a second think it was real, she just immediately got worried about how bad this looks for me and for Yuzuru. And our coach said it’s been really, really bad for him, so I’m worried.” He shrugged. “He’s our friend, you know? I can’t imagine how someone could try and ruin his image like this.”

“It’s terrible to do that to such a nice person,” someone said and Javier nodded, looking back at his phone as he typed another message.

_Please just let me know if you’re okay._

~

The way every rink employee Yuzuru passed either avoided looking at him or outright stared shook him greatly. His stomach was in knots and he could barely breathe as he walked nearer and nearer the dressing room. When he got closer, he stopped in his tracks when he saw Shoma and Nobunari talking as they walked down the hall. He forced a smile as they got closer to him, but when Shoma spotted him, he blushed and looked away, speeding up on his way past. Yuzuru’s heart sank and he turned to watch him walking away with a heavy heart.

“Don’t worry,” Nobunari said, and Yuzuru turned back to see he had stopped beside him. He gave him a sad smile. “He’s a teenager. They’re easily embarrassed. He’ll come around after he stops regretting clicking links people sent him.”

Yuzuru hung his head in shame, but Nobunari put a hand on his shoulder. “He is far from the only one,” Yuzuru whispered.

“Yuzu-kun, trust me when I say it will blow over.” Yuzuru looked up at him skeptically and Nobunari raise an eyebrow. “It’s been a while, but lest you forget, I got arrested for drunk driving and banned from skating,” he pointed out. “But within a month, nobody cared anymore. It was old news.”

Yuzuru did remember that, and he cringed. “Sadly, I am pretty sure there would be less attention if it were that.”

“The JSF denied these rumors and you broke no laws,” Nobunari pointed out and Yuzuru gave him a flat look, cheeks heating.

“You’re not stupid,” he said, not bothering to defend his own lies. Nobunari smiled and shrugged.

“It doesn’t matter what I think. You said it’s not you, the JSF says it’s not you, nobody can prove it because photos can be doctored. People’s opinions are just that, and though I’m not discounting how it feels,” he said quickly, “I know you can get past this and have an amazing season,” he said firmly. “You are something special, Yuzu-kun. I believe in you, and so does everybody who matters.”

Yuzuru closed his eyes, pressing his lips together. “I can’t- I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. How can I train if I can’t handle the shame? It’s an Olympic season and I am worse off mentally than ever before. I’m going to fail and bring even more shame-“

“I’ve commentated competitions where you skated with a sprained ankle,” Nobunari interrupted. “Your mental state is stronger than you give credit. If you mess up, you come back ten times stronger the next time you skate. The rumor is that the second the JSF tried to remove you from your coach to distance you from the scandal, you raised hell. You have already proven that when the need arises, you are able to gather your mental strength back and go to work. You didn’t roll over for that, and you won’t roll over for any bullshit you get going forward.”

Yuzuru opened his eyes, because it was true. When they tried to take Brian away from him, he didn’t think about shame or anything, all he thought about was that he needed the best coach and Brian was the best coach, and he refused to lose his best shot at winning another Olympic medal because of some bullshit scandal. “Thank you, Nobu-kun,” he said firmly, and Nobunari gave a big, bright smile like he was used to finally.

“There’s those eyes of a champion!” He slapped Yuzuru on the back. “Just don’t push your luck and do a film next time,” he teased as he walked away, and Yuzuru was startled when, rather than cower and shrink from the reference to what he and Javi did, the only urge he had was to laugh at the shock of Nobunari having the nerve to joke about that already.

Yuzuru was glad someone was able to joke about it, because it made him feel a weight lift from his shoulders to think that, though it wasn’t now, one day this would all be something in the past.

~

Yuzuru’s hopeful mood after Nobunari’s uplifting conversation lasted all the way through rehearsals. He was upbeat and able to push through the lingering nerves from the shame to seem like everything was normal. Everybody seemed to buy his mood as proof that his statement and the official JSF statement were true, and he felt good. He could even look his heroes in the eye and pretend they weren’t wondering if he really had been the one giving a blowjob in that photo they all pretended they hadn’t seen.

After a shower, he even planned to go find Miki and Javi and talk to them after so long mostly avoiding them. Though he and Miki weren’t close, they did share a boyfriend more or less, so she had messaged him a good bit out of worry. He wanted to talk to her and assure her that he was going to be okay. More than that, he wanted to see Javi. He had ignored most of Javier’s messages and wouldn’t answer any of his calls, and he knew that Javier had to be so worried about him by now. Yuzuru didn’t want to make him worry that Yuzuru hated him or something. He still loved Javier with all his heart, and he didn’t blame him for the mess they were in. It was just that Javier reminded him of his shame, and he hated that. He hated associating the man he loved with shame. It was something he struggled so hard to never do, be ashamed of loving men, and he refused to let Javier see shame in his eyes when he looked at him instead of love. 

That hopeful mood ended abruptly when he spotted Shoma walking towards him in the hallway after he had packed his bag and he called out. “Shoma-kun!” He smiled and waved when Shoma looked up at him, and Shoma looked away, even when Yuzuru got up to him and they stood face to face. “I haven’t had a chance to say hey, which is strange. Are you excited for the last show?” he asked, trying so hard to not accept what his gut was telling him about the way Shoma was avoiding his eyes.

“Uh, I- uh-“ Shoma glanced up at him and then looked away as his shoulders sagged and he hung his head.. “I’m not supposed to talk to you. S- sorry,” he mumbled, and then, without another word he pushed past Yuzuru and all but ran away.

Yuzuru’s hopeful mood shattered alongside his heart as he interpreted what Shoma didn’t say and the weird distance from some of the girls all day: the other still-competing skaters had been told to stay away from Yuzuru and his toxic image.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been like a week, but you get a long chapter for your patience!!!
> 
> I almost didn't resolve this so fast, but there are other problems to arise later on so I decided to get this part out of the way rather than keep stretching it out.

Javier was still at the rink after the last performance when he got a text from Yuzuru after days of only talking to him in public where they couldn’t really _talk_.

_I need time. I am sorry._

Javier’s blood ran cold and he looked up at Miki, who was packing up her stuff while he sat in front of her. “Miki,” he said, and she turned around, only to go wide-eyed at whatever she saw in his face. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked, looking around to be sure they were alone before coming closer. 

Javier held out his phone and the put a hand over his face. “Why does that sound like-like-“

She interrupted quickly. “Javi, there is no way he’s breaking up with you.” She reached out and stroked his curls. “He loves you-“

“Then why does it sound like he’s trying to break up with me?” Javier asked in a brittle tone as his chest tightened. “Miki- Miki what do I do?” He looked around helplessly. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where he’s staying, he won’t answer my calls, I can’t find him to talk to him-“ There was shuffling outside the door and Javier happened to glance up in time to see Nobunari walking past on the way out with his things. Javier scrambled out of his seat, startling Miki, as he rushed to the door and spun out into the hallway. “Hey!” he called and Nobunari stopped, turning back with a raised eyebrow.

“Hey, Javi, what’s up?” he greeted as calmly as ever.

Javier held out a hand, gesturing. “Please tell me you have some idea where Yuzuru is staying,” he pleaded and Nobunari raised an eyebrow slowly. He glanced around and cleared his throat.

“Uh, is it not with you?” he asked awkwardly. Javier stilled, fixing his face into a mask of non-reaction.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he said and Nobunari gave him a pointed look, tilting his head. “Seriously, I don’t.”

Nobunari leaned closer. “Look, I am not an idiot, it is shocking to me people have always assumed Yuzu-kun likes girls when it is painfully clear that kid is firmly in the ‘hot guy’ camp. And statement or not, I have been looking at that face so long I probably could pick his cheeks out in a line-up.” Javier gritted his teeth to keep from reacting and Nobunari raised an eyebrow. “So, I would have assumed that he was rooming with you,” he said pointedly. 

Javier cleared his throat, looking away. “He was supposed to but- but he went to another hotel instead. He hasn’t spoken to me privately since it happened, and I’ve been worried, and just now he finally replied to a message and I just-“ He glanced up desperately. “Look, I just need to find him. He’s not okay.”

Nobunari slowly lowered his chin. “He is not saying things that sound… scary, no?”

“Oh, no!” Javier said quickly, shuddering at the mere thought. “No, no, if it was that I’d have gone mental,” he said, groaning in frustration. “Look, it’s personal. You already are too smart for your own good. I just really need to talk to him in person.”

Nobunari nodded, seeming to think. “Let me try to message him and ask if I can come over to play games,” he said, and Javier nodded desperately.

“Anything.” He scoffed. “I would call his mother if I had her number. Yuzuru usually asks her anything I need to so I didn’t bother.”

“Just give me a minute,” Nobunari said, digging his phone from his bag, much to Javier’s relief. As soon as Nobunari gave him the hotel and room number, Javier was going to go find Yuzuru as soon as possible.

~

Yuzuru felt a strange mix of betrayal and, oddly, relief when he opened his door, thinking it was Nobunari, only to see Javier instead. He opened and closed his mouth a few times before hanging his head. “You are smarter than I thought,” he said, and then glanced up with an apologetic blush. “Not that I think you stupid-“

“Can I please come in?” Javier asked, and Yuzuru’s heart ached at the pain in those beautiful brown eyes he loved so much. Javier swallowed visibly. “If you ask me to leave, I’ll go,” he promised, which only hurt worse, because Yuzuru knew it was true. “But please,” Javier almost begged. “Please just talk to me, Yuzu.”

Yuzuru ducked his head and pushed the door open wider in lieu of an answer. He walked back into the room and listened as Javier followed him. Yuzuru took a deep breath for strength before turning back around to face Javier, who lingered a few feet away. “It is not your fault,” Yuzuru said softly, because he needed Javier to understand.

Javier tilted his head, his eyes sad in a way that made Yuzuru want to cry. “What isn’t, _Querido_?” he asked in a defeated tone that made Yuzuru feel more guilty. Javier really was ready to accept whatever Yuzuru said. Yuzuru could blame everything on him and he would not fight back. It hurt to see someone like Javier so ready to give up entirely.

Yuzuru pulled at his sleeves, sliding them over his hands as he looked away. “Everything is… so bad,” Yuzuru said, voice breaking some. “All things for me, they are all just bad. I am being scared.”

“Scared of what?” Javier asked in a concerned tone, stepping closer. “Has something-“

Yuzuru interrupted him with a shuddering breath. “Of starting to blame you,” he gritted out, looking at Javier. “I scared I will be blaming you for all the bad things just because you made accident. I know it is not your fault, and I _hate_ think maybe I could start feeling like it is. But things are so bad and I cannot blame me or you or anybody. I scared I will want blame and only option is you.” He sucked in a heaving breath and looked down at the floor. “I hate not seeing you, but I so scared that I will hurt you worse than not seeing you.” His words tumbled out in a rush now, just as the tears built in his eyes. “Everything is bad but you are good and I don’t want bad things touching the good things and you are _best_ thing, and I scared if I see you bad things will make me get mad and you don’t deserve I get mad at you, because-“ Yuzuru sucked in a sharp breath, lifting his head to look at Javier, who, to his surprise, was crying. “Because I love you so much,” he sobbed out. “It better not see you than- than hurt you.”

Javier closed the distance between them and stopped just in front of him. “Can I hug you?” he asked, and Yuzuru’s heart _shattered_ , because Javier had never asked if he could hug him before, and to think that he had made Javier doubt it would be welcome was worse than all the things that happened to him recently. 

“Javi,” Yuzuru sobbed, reaching out shakily with one hand only to have his arm trapped between their chests as Javier swept him into his arms and held him tight.

“Shhhhh,” Javier breathed, his lips just above Yuzuru’s ear. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Just please don’t cry, Yuzuru.” He rocked them back and forth and Yuzuru freed his arms enough to hug him tight around the middle. “Shhhh, I’ve got you. I’m here. I’ll always be here. As long as you want me to be here, I’ll always be here.”

Yuzuru choked on a sob. “Want Javi always.” He turned his head into Javier’s neck, clinging to his shirt. “Javi, please don’t go,” he whimpered and Javier made a tight sound and held him closer.

“I’m not going anywhere. God himself couldn’t take you away from me,” he said and Yuzuru, in what was clearly a sign of madness, laughed at that. “I would,” Javier said, clearly catching on to Yuzuru’s reaction. “Even Brian couldn’t make me go from you, Yuzuru.”

Yuzuru giggled wetly. “Not even Brian? Wow, Javi fear nothing,” he joked and Javier hummed.

“The only thing I’m afraid of right now is losing you, Yuzuru.” 

The way Javier said it, in soft tone filled with deep conviction, made Yuzuru feel oddly calm. He felt guilt for shutting Javier out, yes, but it was a very important reminder that, no matter how terrible things were, Yuzuru had something nobody could ever take away. Javier’s love was no small thing. Yuzuru knew how important all sorts of love were, and he had been lucky to have so many people love him full-heartedly. His family sacrificed so much because of their love for him. His mother was the most incredible person to ever live because he was not sure that most mothers, though they surely loved their children, could ever love their child the way she loved him. In his very special way, Brian showed all of his skaters his love. Many coaches did not even care very much for their skaters, but Yuzuru knew that Brian loved every one of them like they were a special type of family. His friends loved him, his fans loved him, his country loved him.

But Javier’s love was unlike anything Yuzuru had ever known. 

Though he could never love Yuzuru as much as Yuzuru’s mother did, and almost certainly didn’t love Yuzuru as much as he loved Himawari, Javier loved Yuzuru with a fierceness to rival all the couples Yuzuru had ever met. Javier Fernandez loved more than most people loved anyone. Yuzuru wasn’t even sure he loved Javier as much as Javier loved him. Javier did not try to coddle him, he did not try to spare his feelings, he pushed Yuzuru even when he did not want to be pushed, he risked awaking Yuzuru’s anger by needling him until he saw sense, and all of it was because Javier cared more about Yuzuru’s well-being and happiness than he did about the chance that it could lose him Yuzuru’s love. Yuzuru had long ago learned that he could be as angry at Javier as possible, but he could always trust that whatever thing Javier did to upset him, he did it because he knew that Yuzuru loved him in a way that a fight could not shake. Javier had utter confidence that Yuzuru would forgive him and probably thank him for whatever he did that initially pissed Yuzuru off but made his life better in the end. Javier loved him so much that he trusted Yuzuru loved him back the same way no matter what he did, because nothing he did could ever cause Yuzuru’s heart to change.

And yet now, at this moment Javier, for likely the first time ever, feared losing Yuzuru. 

Yuzuru pulled back far enough to look into Javier’s eyes. He felt something overcome his fear and sadness and anxiety, and that was the need to make sure that Javier still understood that, even though so much was going bad in his life, _nothing_ could shake Yuzuru’s trust and love. He had feared it himself, feared that his own pain could cause him to grow to resent Javier, but Javier’s words reminded him that _nothing_ could break him in a way that would ever take that from him. Yuzuru’s entire life was falling apart, but not his heart. His heart held a large chunk of Javier Fernandez’s love in its grasp, and he would _never_ give up that last bit of himself. 

That last bit belonged to Javier, and he could never let anything or anyone harm Javier.

Javier was clearly confused by Yuzuru’s sudden calmness, but he was even more confused when Yuzuru leaned in and kissed him. It was such a chaste kiss, but it’s what Yuzuru needed. He needed a tender kiss full of love, not lust, to remind Javier that nothing could take him away, not even Yuzuru’s own nerves. Javier’s hands unwound from their tight hold around his waist and settled more gently on his back, one above the other, and Yuzuru smiled into the kiss. When he pulled away, Javier raised an eyebrow. “Do you plan to explain what all just happened in your head just now, or should I just shut up and go with it?” he asked, and Yuzuru couldn’t help smiling wider as his heart fluttered in his chest at how happy Javier made him.

“Maybe talking can be later?” Yuzuru asked, and Javier raised an eyebrow, looking adorably confused, and Yuzuru raised both hands to place on Javier’s face. “If it okay for you, I really, really just want I kiss you now.”

Javier smiled tentatively and nodded. “I expect to talk more later, but you never have to convince me to kiss you.” Yuzuru grinned and leaned in again, sliding his hands into Javier’s curls as Javier met him in a still sweet but less chaste kiss than before. 

Yuzuru really did plan to talk to Javier, but that could wait a little longer. He hadn’t been in the same place as Javier and not kissed him for this long before, and he had decided that he really, really didn’t like that anymore. 

~

They didn’t have sex, but Javier still found himself lying in bed with Yuzuru with no shirt on. The man in question was curled into his side, resting his head on Javier’s shoulder while Javier held him. “Tell me, why did I have to take off my shirt?” he asked, trying to remember how that even happened. “We never got anywhere near sex,” Javier pointed out, because it was true. They had moved from standing to lying in bed kissing, but it never changed from sweet, gentle kisses and entirely innocent touches. The mood was just not sexual at all, so Javier wasn’t quite sure why Yuzuru had pulled his shirt off of him.

Yuzuru giggled against his bare shoulder. “Because do not need sex to enjoy naked Javi,” he teased and Javier rolled his eyes. He fluttered his eyelashes adorably as he rubbed his cheek against Javier’s upper arm, looking up at him. “I like that you are warm without shirt.”

Javier snorted. “I think you are just a little dirty even when we are being entirely innocent,” he accused, earning a sheepish grin from Yuzuru. Javier tightened his arms around him. “You’re lucky I don’t mind indulging you.”

Yuzuru’s face sobered some and for a moment Javier worried before Yuzuru sat up and moved to sit in his lap, facing him, with his knees on either side of Javier’s hips. He curled his arms around Javier and hugged him close. “I am always lucky for have you, Javi.” He pressed their foreheads together and then sat up straighter, biting his lip. “Before, you make me realize something,” he said, and Javier sat up a little straighter against the pillows, resting his hands on Yuzuru’s waist as he spoke.

“Are you going to explain, now?” he asked jokingly and Yuzuru nodded seriously, which made Javier stop smiling and nod, focusing on Yuzuru. 

“I will explain the bad things to happen, but you make me realize something important.” Yuzuru shook his head. “Our relationship always has been about knowing we both are there. Even when only friends, we never stopped no matter what happens. I always have known that, even if you make me mad and I get angry and yell, you will not go. You trust I will not get mad and go and I trust you will not get mad and go. We love with trust.” He shook his head. “I should never be scared I could start blaming you, because part of your heart is here,” he said, touching his own chest. “And I know that nothing can ever be so bad that I would hurt that. It is stupid to being scared I could blaming you, because it is impossible. You love me so much part of your heart is in mine, and I scared you,” he admitted, his shoulders drooping. “You never are being scared I might go, but you did today, and suddenly bad things seem less bad than that.”

Javier’s eyes softened and he rubbed Yuzuru’s hips with his thumbs. “Yuzuru, it’s okay to hate all the bad things. It’s okay to be scared and upset and all of those things.”

Yuzuru shook his head. “But it is not as bad as making you scared,” he said firmly. “I have so much shame and fear and hurt, but I should trust heart.” He tapped his own chest again. “Heart knows it will never hurt you, and really I need you, I did not need to fear I would hurt you. I should listen to heart because everything hurts less when you are here, it does not hurt more.”

Javier smiled up at Yuzuru and he couldn’t help but pull him into a hug, pressing his naked chest against Yuzuru’s clothed one as their foreheads met. Javier still wasn’t entirely sure what Yuzuru was saying, because even though Yuzuru’s English was great now, there were more abstract things that were clearly harder to articulate for him, but he understood the sentiment. Yuzuru pushed him away for fear that his pain would make him lash out at Javier and hurt him when really, what Yuzuru needed all along was to give into the trust they both had in each other. Their love was strong, but their trust and devotion was the strongest part of their relationship.

“Do you feel ready to tell me what has all happened since the JSF tried to fire Brian?” Javier asked patiently. “You don’t have to, but I would like to know what it is you are so upset by.”

Yuzuru slumped down against Javier’s chest, making Javier slide a hand into his hair to gently stroke it soothingly. “All people working at rink either look away or stare at me, and I was scared about friends, but it was not so bad and I think this is okay, but then-“ Yuzuru shivered and Javier held him closer. “Then I learn why Shoma won’t talk to me and why some of the girls did not talk much to me.” Javier’s chest tightened even before Yuzuru finished, because he didn’t know that Shoma and some of the girls weren’t talking to Yuzuru. “I realize coaches are making them stay away from me because of scandal. Even with statement, I am not good for people to be near.”

“Oh Yuzuru,” Javier sighed, putting his forehead against Yuzuru’s. “ _Querido_ , I’m so sorry.” Yuzuru whimpered, pressing his face into Javier’s neck, and Javier’s heart broke as he heard the sniffled, hitched breaths while he held him. It was so unfair that Yuzuru was suffering so much and Javier just wanted to make it stop.

However, neither of them could undo what had happened, and neither could control what would happen moving forward, no matter how much they would love to.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be posting 1 chapter per day for a few days because yesterday and today I got randomly inspired and write TEN THOUSAND WORDS MORE THAN THIS!!!
> 
> Every day a new chapter will be checked by friend who checks English, and that means daily chapter for a few days!!! Who is excited???

Javier always hated leaving Miki and Himawari, but this time, getting back to Canada was a bit of a relief. Training would bring normality back to his life. He was still facing tons of attention from the press and from the fans, and it was worse in Japan than it likely would be even if he were back home. He was a figure skater mixed up in rumors regarding the top figure skater in Japan, a country more obsessed than figure skating than any other he had ever been to before. Naturally, getting back to Toronto was a refuge. 

He arrived three weeks before Yuzuru was due back, and it was always hardest to be away from Miki and Himawari _and_ Yuzuru. He didn’t miss his family as much when he was with his lover and he didn’t miss his lover as much when he was with his family, but being away from them all was where he found he had the most trouble. 

He had forgotten all about how awkward it would be when Javier Raya followed him to Canada one week into his return. Javier had somehow forgot that his (sometimes) roommate had no idea that he and Yuzuru had ever been anything more than friends and definitely wouldn’t hesitate to ask him question he didn’t want to answer. 

The peace only lasted until his roommate finished unpacking, ordered a pizza, and then came to the living room to steal Javier’s cat and open with, “How the hell did you manage to really convince me nothing romantic or sexual was going on between you and Yuzuru all those times he spent the night here when I live right down the hall?”

Javier groaned, dropping his head back over the back of the couch. “Do we really have to have this conversation-“

“Well, we could have the conversation about how you didn’t trust your _gay_ roommate to know you had a boyfriend,” he countered and Javier grimaced. “I fucking knew you weren’t straight, you lying ass.”

Javier couldn’t help but laugh at that. “I’m pretty bad at not being very obvious with Yuzuru, honestly,” he agreed. “I’m more surprised you’re surprised.” He gestured to the hallway. “We have sex all the time when you’re home, I kind of thought you were just playing along at this point.”

That earned an eye roll. “Yeah, well, you two have ridiculously quite sex is all I can say. I sure as hell wouldn’t ever bring Andy over to stay the night.” He sniffed and looked away. “You must be terrible in bed.”

Javier scoffed. “First off, everything is great in that department, thanks,” he said pointedly. “And second, even if it wasn’t, why do you automatically assume it’s me that’s the problem?”

“Because Yuzuru’s the type that would be too polite to complain,” he replied with a smirk and Javier rolled his eyes. “Seriously though, what the fuck happened, because I almost had to bleach my eyes,” he said and Javier flushed at the realization he was talking about the photo. “I had no idea what I was opening, it just said ‘omg did you see what Javi texted someone?’ and I thought it was going to be embarrassing gossip and bam!” He made a dramatic face and Javier cringed. “I really, really wish I had fallen and hit my head and forgot ever seeing that.”

Javier sighed and put a hand over his face. “We were slightly drunk, the light bulb in the lamp died, I like to watch, I grabbed my phone to use the flashlight, and in the process, I nearly dropped my phone, fumbled with it, somehow pulled up the camera, took a photo, then sent it to a random contact, and it happened to be some asshole who decided to tell people and it got out of hand.”

“Okay, first off, I never needed to know your preference to watch, thanks,” he said, shuddering. “And second, clearly God hates you. There is no other explanation for that. That whole series of events was a cosmic level of ‘fuck this particular couple’ and nothing else.”

Javier glared half-heartedly. “It’s really not funny,” he said in a tight voice. “It’s really, really bad. They tried to take Yuzuru from Brian,” he said and he got a dropped jaw in response. “They tried to fire Brian and they definitely planned to give Yuzuru some shitty coach so he’d start losing and nobody would care about him anymore.” He rolled his eyes. “Like that would work,” he muttered. “There was already some political crap going on with Yuzuru being skipped over for interviews and appearances just because he’s ‘old news’, but with this?” Javier shook his head. “They are trying so hard to bury him. He had a total breakdown the last weekend I saw him because he found out that the other Japanese coaches have all banned their skaters from even speaking to him, which is basically all of his friends, and some coaches for skaters from other countries have done it, too.”

“Holy shit.” 

Javier nodded. “I got a ‘eh, they can’t prove it’s from your phone and nobody can identify you so whatever’, but it’s ruined his life. It’ll pass over once the season starts, but if it doesn’t, he won’t manage to hold it together.” Javier looked away. “I’m probably done after this season, but he shouldn’t be.” Javier had been thinking about it for a long time, and though there were so many people speculating about whether Yuzuru would retire after the Olympics, Javier couldn’t imagine it. Yuzuru was only going to be twenty-three, then. He still had several more seasons left in him. But if he did badly because of all of this stress, he would probably give up, and Javier couldn’t live with the thought of Yuzuru retiring too early because of their relationship. “It’s just so bad,” Javier repeated in a softer tone. 

He was distracted by a hum and he looked over. “So, question. Changing topics a little bit.” Javier looked at him expectantly. “I saw photos of you and Miki. How is she so chill with the fact you have a secret boyfriend?”

Javier laughed, realizing it hadn’t become clear yet. “Because she has known about it all along,” he said simply. “We decided about a year into our relationship that we really didn’t love each other romantically at all but she’s my best friend, I’m her best friend, and I love our little girl like she’s my own child, and she found out I was in love with Yuzuru, and it’s obvious he can never be out, so when she told Yuzuru our family isn’t what it seems on the outside, he confessed that he loved me, too, so we’ve been doing this for a long time.”

“Your life is so, so complicated.”

Javier just snorted and shook his head because that was the truest statement ever spoken.

~

Yuzuru felt so peaceful returning to Toronto. His life was hanging together by tiny threads of support forming a spider web keeping him from entirely shattering, but in Toronto, he was just ‘that skinny Asian kid that stops taking the bus for a few months every year then comes back’ to people who he passed in the street. There were no bodyguards and press following him everywhere. He loved Japan more than anything, it was his home and he was proud of it and his people, but sometimes it felt so good to just escape and _breathe_.

The first thing he did after he and his mother unpacked was walk to the nearest park and just walk among the trees and flowers and bushes and listen to nothing but birds and dogs and wind rustling trees and people laughing in the distance. There had been little time to just be alone and not think and now he was free to do just that. 

When it started to get dark, however, instead of go back home, he texted his mother that he would be going to Javier’s. He really needed to see Javi. Even though it would remind him of all the stress in his life in a way the trees and flowers didn’t, he needed comfort from big, strong arms and sweet kisses, too. 

It wasn’t his Javier that opened the door, however, and he immediately froze because he had forgotten that Other Javier didn’t know about the real nature of his and Javier’s relationship before all of this came out. “H-hi,” he said awkwardly and Javier just snickered.

“Settle something for me: Are you and Javi so quiet in bed because he’s terrible at sex?” he asked and Yuzuru felt his face heating.

“I- I-“ Yuzuru was interrupted by a sudden rush of angry Spanish from inside the apartment and Javier laughed and took off running, leaving the door open, just before Javi stumbled into the doorway, flushed.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry about him,” he said, pushing the door wide to let Yuzuru in. “He’s just angry he’s not SMART ENOUGH TO PICK UP THE CLUES TO OUR RELATIONSHIP BEFORE!” he shouted towards the kitchen as Yuzuru came in, and Yuzuru realized that it wasn’t that Other Javier was being rude, he was just teasing Javier. That was a good sign, at least.

Yuzuru had to admit, it was kind of funny that Javi’s roommate never realized that when Yuzuru spent the night it was far from innocent most of the time, especially since he had a boyfriend of his own. Yuzuru headed to the kitchen, ignoring Javi’s whining, and walked over to make himself tea (Javier always kept some of his tea in the cabinet). Other Javier was cooking something and grinning about his teasing. “You really never had any suspicious?” Yuzuru asked, amused even if still a little embarrassed to talk about it.

Other Javier snickered. “Dude, I was serious about the being terrible at sex thing. Unless you two are kinkier than I imagined and there are gags involved,” he said, and Yuzuru frowned, because he wasn’t really sure what that meant. He had a feeling it was something really dirty because he knew what ‘kinky’ meant, but he was not sure. 

“Oh my God, stop asking about our sex life, you pervert!” Javi complained from the doorway. He said something else in Spanish Yuzuru didn’t know and it just made Other Javier grin more deviously. 

He turned to Yuzuru. “He’s bad, isn’t he? It’s okay, he won’t be mad at you for being honest.”

Yuzuru blushed but giggled. “No, he is not bad,” he denied and Javi gave him a surprised look at how open he was being. “Maybe there is more better, but I am sure he is not _bad_ ,” he added. 

Javi made and offended noise from the doorway. “Wait, you think you could find _better_?”

Yuzuru gave him a pointed look. “It is realistic! You only ever do it with girls and with me and I only ever do it with you, very likely man who does it with many more is better!”

Other Javier suddenly cooed. “Awwww, you’ve only ever been with him?” He put a hand on his chest. “That’s both romantic and depressing. He’s not even that cute,” he said, voice trailing into something kind of like an ‘ew’ voice and Javi made an even more offended sound from the doorway. 

“Hey, he is very cute,” Yuzuru defended, smiling over at Javi, who looked slightly happier. “Javi is cutest boy I ever know.” Javi looked a lot happier at that. “Well, except Johnny Weir, he’s _beautiful_ ,” he sighed and Javi’s face dropped and he rolled his eyes. “And Stephane, he is soooo sexy,” he added, making Other Javier laugh. “And Boyang, he has a cute smile-“

“Okay, you can stop listing men you find cuter than me now,” Javi interrupted and Yuzuru smirked at him. 

“It’s okay, they are all either too old or too young, you are safe,” he teased and Javi finally came away from the doorway with a grumpy pout.

“You’re mean to me,” he said as he walked around the island to get to Yuzuru. He put his arms around his waist from behind. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” he said with a dramatic pout, clearly trying to make Yuzuru feel guilty.

Yuzuru rolled his eyes. “I can still look at cute boys, Javi. So can you. Just no more than look,” he added and Javi cracked a smile. 

“I missed you,” he said out of nowhere and Yuzuru’s heart fluttered at the love in Javier’s beautiful smile. 

“Miss you, too,” he murmured sheepishly, turning back to check on the water to see if it was hot yet. 

“Wow, yep, you two have always been like this. How the hell did I not notice you were more than friends?” Other Javier blurted out, making Yuzuru blush and grin sheepishly at him. “To think I really bought that ‘just a physically affectionate guy’ stuff when nobody else gets felt up like you do.”

Yuzuru ducked his head. “Javi had always touch me like this. Even before when we were just friends.”

“Whatever, lovebirds. Go be gross somewhere else,” he said, and Yuzuru blushed the whole remaining time he took to finish making himself some tea.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next one after this is way longer but enjoy this one in the meantime!!!

Javier had missed the feeling of waking up with Yuzuru sprawled across him or tucked neatly into his side or occasionally playing ‘big spoon’ to Javier with his long, skinny limbs. Sharing a bed with someone was something Javier had gotten used to long ago, even if more nights than not he was alone, and Yuzuru had become his most common bed partner even before they got together romantically. Though there was more embarrassment and shame when they woke up tangled together, it only made sense in the past for Yuzuru to share his bed when he stayed over after a night of video games or the like. 

However, as much as Javier loved waking up with Yuzuru, it concerned him that it had been a _very_ long time since he woke up naked with Yuzuru. 

Javier didn’t want to bring it up since he feared Yuzuru would think he was pushing him for sex or was unhappy that they weren’t having sex, but the truth was, Javier was concerned. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to initiate it a few times, because he had. However, Yuzuru never responded to his advances. Javier was concerned about the lack of sex because Yuzuru _loved_ sex. Javier did too, obviously, but for how innocent he looked, Yuzuru had an incredible sex drive. They didn’t have the time or energy, as top level athletes, to have sex super often, but he did not doubt that, were they a normal couple with normal lives, Yuzuru would want to have sex every single day. 

So, the fact that Yuzuru had been back in Canada for three weeks now and they hadn’t had sex at all worried Javier. He worried that it was the stress or that it was the shame, something that was making Yuzuru feel poorly about sex. Clearly whatever was stopping Yuzuru from wanting sex was something serious enough to hurt him. Yuzuru was distant with everybody, including Javier, and he claimed it was just nerves about the season being perfect, but Javier knew that very few people bought that.

Coming back to training had been hard on Yuzuru. It sucked for Javier, but Yuzuru still had to look fellow skaters in the face knowing that, even if a fair few of them bought that it wasn’t really him, almost all of them had seen that photo. Javier knew that Brian had forbid anyone from commenting on anything regarding those rumors around Yuzuru, but Yuzuru still knew that they knew. His training had been going well, as far as Javier knew, since they generally didn’t train at the same times, but Yuzuru just seemed withdrawn more than usual. 

Between not engaging with his training as much as normal and not wanting sex, Javier was more worried about Yuzuru than he had been in years. The only person he thought might have some idea what was going on in that head of his if Javier couldn’t was also one of the last people he’d ever bring up his and Yuzuru’s sexual relationship to: Yuzuru’s mother. While his own parents had no problems joking about his sex life (his mother made him blush so bad when she learned he was dating Yuzuru because ‘you’re a big man, how do you not break that tiny kid?’), Yuzuru’s mother was the definition of a Japanese lady, and from such a private, polite culture, Javier knew that Yumi would never respond well to even alluding to her son’s sex life. 

Javier didn’t start to notice for a while that it was clearly getting to Yuzuru, too, because he looked at Javier with guilt in his eyes whenever he put a polite, but firm stop to Javier’s straying hands. Javier respected him too much to ever try and push him to talk about it, but he was starting to think he should try that, because Yuzuru had started acting guilty, which was exactly what Javier didn’t want. 

Yuzuru got more clingy than ever in the wake of his guilt. It was like he was trying to overcompensate for the lack of sex with physical affection, as if trying to reassure Javier he still loved him. It felt like Yuzuru was desperately trying to say with hugs and cuddles, ‘please don’t leave me’, and it hurt more than words could say to realize Yuzuru was feeling so lost in their relationship. Javier didn’t think for a moment that the lack of sex was Yuzuru not still loving him, and he would never leave him because of Yuzuru’s intimacy issues. 

He was worried about him, because something was very wrong in Yuzuru’s life, and Javier couldn’t fix it for him.

~

Javier knew he couldn’t be the only one to notice that Yuzuru was behaving unlike himself since his return to Toronto, but he really thought that it would mostly be his behavior in private that people noticed. His lack of a desire for sex and his clingy need for affection was compounded with being over-all just more reserved, and though he still was himself for the most part, his usual exuberance was muted in private.

It became a real issue of concern when he came into the lounge before practice to sit and have some coffee while the ice was being resurfaced from the morning sessions, only to notice Brian and Tracy speaking in low voices where they sat at the table, drinking their own coffees. “Everything okay, you guys?” he asked and Brian looked at him for a long time, as if weighing how to answer that. “Guys?” he prompted and Tracy cleared her throat.

“Actually, maybe you can help us out,” she said, and he walked over to join them, very confused. “Has Yuzuru been acting… oddly?” she asked, and Brian sighed heavily, seeming to give in to the urge to let it out.

“I know we always keep your training separate and all,” he said quickly and Javier frowned. “But Yuzuru is starting to worry us, and it isn’t really talking about his season-readiness with his competition to ask you questions,” he clarified, seeming to be talking to himself more than Javier, reassuring himself he was doing the right thing.

Javier nodded. “Okay, what is it?”

Tracy pulled out her phone and tapped the screen a few times before holding it out to Javier. “His costume just came in with the finalized design he wants for this season’s long program.” 

It was a pair of black pants and a _plain gray turtleneck sweater_.

Javier’s eyes widened and he looked up at her. “Did someone hold a gun to his head?” he tried to joke, but it fell flat as his voice shook with concern. Yuzuru Hanyu, known for his over the top, flamboyant costumes of lace and glitter and rhinestones and flesh-tone panels and fluttery feathers wearing a costume that even Javier would be a little bored in was just startling. 

Brian put a hand over his mouth and shook his head. “He scrapped the design samples that were similar to his usual costumes and asked for something ‘plain’ and this is what he showed up in to try out.”

“He’s very withdrawn,” Tracy said reluctantly. Javier knew that they felt like they were betraying his trust to talk about his training with one of his biggest competitors, so Javier knew it had to be bad if they were bringing it up with him. Though they knew about their relationship, he and Yuzuru always separated competition and their personal lives. Even before they began dating, they managed to stay friends by separating the competition. To have their coaches bringing up Yuzuru’s training to Javier as his boyfriend meant they were really, really worried. 

“I thought he was just focusing on the season,” Brian said in a quiet tone. “He is very calm and focused and I thought it was just the pressure of it being an Olympic year, but Tracy says he’s not fighting her on stroking practice like usual, David says he’s not fighting him on the choreography like he always does, he’s not trying to talk me into letting him do more quads…” Brian trailed off. “He’s just being super reserved.” 

Javier made a soft sound at that news and Tracy looked at him. “Is he like this at home? Maybe he’s having issues with stress.”

“No, the opposite,” Javier said, shaking his head. “I mean it could be the stress thing, but he’s become excessively clingy,” he said, grimacing at how bad that sounded. “I’m not bothered by him, that isn’t what I meant,” he said quickly. “It’s just that Yuzuru is not normally like that, he’s very private about affection, but since he’s come back here, he barely lets me get two feet away from him no matter what. Never before has he been so physically affectionate in front of Javier or Yumi, but now he will sit practically in my lap right there with his mother across the table from us, and it’s had me worried,” he confessed. “I thought it was related to other issues and he was trying to make sure I didn’t think he didn’t still love me, but maybe he’s having more serious problems than I thought.” 

Tracy hummed. “Could be comfort-seeking behavior,” she suggested. “If he’s having stress-related anxiety about his season, he might feel a greater need for some comfort.”

Javier’s chest tightened some. “I’m worried he might be… depressed.” Javier hesitated to say it because saying it out loud meant he couldn’t keep pretending that wasn’t what he suspected deep down all along. “And I don’t mean ‘there’s no coffee, I’m so depressed’,” he added and Brian grimaced and nodded solemnly.

Depression was not good for athletes. Especially not ones like Yuzuru Hanyu.

~

It was very unusual for Yumi to talk to Coach Orser without Yuzuru there, especially since he reached the age to make legal decisions for himself. When she got asked to come meet him, she knew it was not a social visit when she arrived and found Coach Orser waiting with a translator. Her English had improved in her years living abroad with Yuzuru, so normally they would be able to carry on well enough with just some patience. 

When she entered his office, the two men stood to greet her and once they were all seated, Coach Orser began. Though she understood most of what Coach Orser said, she paid close attention to his face and listened carefully to the translator because it was clear this was a serious matter. “I want to make it clear that the reason I’m talking to you instead of Yuzuru is not because this is something I don’t want him to know, but because I wanted your opinion on something.” She waited patiently and he continued with a very concerned expression. “It’s become a point of concern that Yuzuru seems to be very withdrawn and quiet. And I know he had a troubling summer, and the other coaches and I, we think he may be suffering from depression.”

Yumi’s heart clenched and she sighed. She had noticed very clearly that something was wrong with her son. She hadn’t wanted to admit to herself what she knew was true. “I understand,” she said in a tight tone. She looked up at him even though she let the translator translate for her to make sure everything was said correctly. “However, you have to understand that nobody can ever learn he may be suffering from depression,” she said firmly. “Though times are changing, depression is still perceived as a weakness of character, not a medical condition in our culture. If you recommend he has any sort of treatment, it has to be absolutely kept quiet.”

Coach Orser looked worried. “You don’t believe this, do you? I promise you, there is nothing Yuzuru has done wrong. He couldn’t control whatever his brain might be doing.”

Yumi smiled sadly. “Trust me, I do not believe this way. Some would say that he is behaving oddly because he is choosing so, but I know my son. He has not been well lately.”

“I’ve thought it was just stress, maybe,” Coach Orser commented. “I’m never one to rush to a conclusion so I was just waiting it out to see if he would get back into the groove and go to work, and he’s been training very hard, but his usual personality is just not there. He doesn’t give nearly as much input, he just listens and does whatever I say. You know better than anyone, I’m sure, how stubborn Yuzuru can be, and he hasn’t been even slightly stubborn.”

Yumi had noticed that at home, too. Yuzuru was behaving like a model child, which some might say was better, but she knew her son and knew it meant something was wrong. She had also noticed that he was behaving very oddly around his boyfriend. Yuzuru was always very proper and did not show too much affection around others, no matter that they weren’t in public but at their home, but since they had returned to Canada, he has been very strange about sitting right beside him so that he was never more than a foot away from him at dinner and even stayed in the kitchen when Javier always offered to clean up after he had dinner with them. Yumi didn’t mind, but it was really unusual. Yuzuru also spent more time than usual over at Javier’s house. Honestly, it seemed like all Yuzuru did at home anymore was studies and sleeping. 

“He sleeps more than usual,” she added. “I have heard that is a sign something is wrong mentally,” she said, looking down at her lap. “I thought perhaps it was just that he is no longer a boy, but perhaps not.” She grimaced. “As much of a relief as it is not to hear him badly singing along to his music, he has stopped doing most of the things he likes best, as far as I can tell. He left his game on the coffee table last weekend and hasn’t even noticed he’s missing it. He always has his handheld game with him.”

Coach Orser let out a sigh. “Mrs. Hanyu, I’d really like for him to see a therapist. I know you prefer he see doctors in Japan, but at this part of the season, it would be best to use someone here in Toronto. He likely will need to visit multiple times and that much travel will interrupt his training.”

Yumi didn’t like that. She liked using trusted doctors. However, she also knew the risk of this becoming public on top of the scandal from the summer if she took him back to Japan for treatment multiple times. She grimaced but nodded. “I want what is best for him, and if we can avoid it coming out that he is seeing a therapist, that is for the best.”

“There are sports therapists,” Coach Orser explained. “It is normal for athletes to see psychologists to help focus on their goals. Should it get out that he’s seeing someone, it can be spun that it’s for his training.” Yumi nodded, somewhat relieved. 

“He may not like it, but I worry about him, and if this can help him, I think we should do it.” Yumi hoped she was making the right choice, but she was worried about her child, so something had to be done.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit longer than the last few, but that's a good thing, I hope!!!

Yuzuru couldn’t believe his mother and Brian had gone behind his back to set him up with an appointment to see a doctor because they thought he was _depressed_. Yuzuru didn’t think anything was very wrong. He was focusing on his season, was all. What was worse was that Javier listened to him complain and then, rather than agree that it was very uncalled for that they did this, he gave Yuzuru a guilty smile and said, ‘that’s not a bad idea’, as if he agreed.

Which was how Yuzuru found himself where he was now, sitting in a big, soft chair across from a woman holding a clipboard. Dr. Williams was not his coach’s first choice of doctors, because she didn’t speak Japanese, but until they could find someone that fit the bill, she was who came best recommended to Brian. 

“You don’t want to be here, do you, Yuzuru,” she said, and he tried not to look as sullen as he felt.

“It is nothing about you,” he said quietly, looking down at his knees. “I just do not think that I am depressed.”

She nodded. “Alright. If you don’t think you are depressed, why did you agree at all? You’re twenty-two years old. You could very well say no.”

He scrunched his nose some. “My mother is worried. My coaches are worried. I think my boyfriend is worried, too.” He had been told by Brian to be honest and open with her and that there was absolutely no reason to hide anything because she was required, by law, to never share anything. So, he was going to be honest.

Dr. Williams crossed her legs, balancing her clipboard there. “Tell me a little bit about yourself. All I know is that you’re an athlete. I make a point of not looking at any outside information on my patients. Usually they’re professionals, not athletes, but I chose to treat you the same.”

Yuzuru sighed, fighting the urge to roll his eyes, because he had promised to give this all a shot, even if he thought it was a waste of time. “I am a figure skater. I represent Japan.”

She smiled politely. “Are you any good? I’m sorry, I don’t watch sports,” she apologized.

Yuzuru was kind of relieved about that. “I always feel strange talking about my skating,” he confessed. “But yes, I am good. I am one of best skaters, really.”

“Are you going to the Olympics next year?” she asked. “Figure skating is at the Winter games, right?” she asked with a small look of shame. It made him feel a little more comfortable to know she did not know much about his sport. It might not be good for what Brian wanted, but he felt better knowing she had no expectations.

Yuzuru nodded. “I win the last ones,” he said with a sheepish look and she raised both eyebrows.

“You won the Olympics?” she asked, and he nodded. “The gold?”

“Yes. I win gold medal at the Olympics, and I have won a lot of other gold medal at other competition. I win World Championship in the spring,” he explained. “I have all of the world record score, so I have a lot of ex-expecting-“ He hesitated and she gave him a gentle smile.

“Expectations?” He nodded. “Do you often struggle with English? You have done very well so far.”

He nodded. “It is not bad like it was,” he said. “I come her to Canada to train when I was seventeen years old. I had very, very bad English then. I could barely talk with coach.” He cringed. “I still have problem with English when there are words I do not use often. Also, when I have a lot of excitement.” He waved a hand at himself. “Nervous makes translating in my head harder.”

She hummed. “If you ever struggle to tell me something, you are free to just write it down,” she offered. “I can give you a pen and paper and I can just look it up later. Of if you would like to have your phone to use google, feel free,” she offered.

“Thank you,” he said softly. It was hard to be so angry at how stupid all of this was when Dr. Williams was very nice. 

“So, you are one of the best figure skaters out there, from what I can tell,” she said, recounting. “You must be under a lot of pressure, right?”

He nodded. “I feel that I must continue to be the best for my country,” he said.

“How did you end up in Canada?” she asked. “Is there a training center here that’s really good, or was it a coaching decision? Did your family move here, perhaps?”

Yuzuru thought of how to tell her about himself without giving his whole life story. “I love figure skating and was good at it always, but I come to Canada to become the best. Remember the earthquake in two-thousand eleven?” He saw her eyes grow more attentive and he bit his lip. “I live where it happened. It- it was bad,” he said quietly. “I feel it is important for me to bring hope for my town and for my country after that happen. My family survived. We were all okay. But so many people die and lose house and things.” Yuzuru took a moment to just breathe, because he never talked about this. “I needed to be the best because I was lucky when so many were not. My coach is one of the best in the world. He has coached many, many best skaters and I needed to be best now.” He nodded. “So I come to Canada.”

Dr. Williams nodded, making some notes. “Do you live here alone?”

He shook his head. “I was seventeen when I come here, and age of adult in Japan was twenty, so my mother come with me. I was not here full time yet, because I had to finish school.”

“Are your parents divorced?” she asked, and he shook his head.

“My father and my older sister live in Japan always. My mother come with me and we live here during time to train.” He waited and she wrote some more before looking up again.

“Do you ever feel guilty for taking your mother away from the rest of your family?” she asked and he grimaced.

“Sometime,” he admitted. He had never said that to anyone either, but it was true. “More now than then. I am old enough now. I should not need mother to take care of me. But I could not do without her.”

Dr. Williams smiled. “Your family must really support you.”

Yuzuru smiled. “They always are supporting me. I am lucky to have them. I have many people in my life who support me, close people and people like all fans all over the world.”

Dr. Williams nodded. “You mentioned a boyfriend. You’re gay, then?” she asked and he nodded. “Are you openly gay?”

He shook his head. “I cannot be. Sponsors do not like gay skaters. There are some gay skaters who are open, but most are either not gay or secret like me.”

“How does your family feel about your boyfriend?” she asked.

“They like him,” he said with a small smile. “I feel lucky. I did not tell them before him, but they were good about it. My coach is gay and they like him, so it was not as scary as it could be.”

Dr. Williams made another note and he was curious what she was writing. “What about your boyfriend? Does he live here or in Japan?”

“He live here,” he said. “He is also a figure skater. We have same coach.”

She smiled. “Is he any good?”

Yuzuru smiled more brightly, because he was always proud of Javier. “He is really, really good. He win World Championship last two years before me, and he has win European Championship for five years now.”

“Oooh, that does sound good,” she said and he nodded. “So he is European?”

“Yes, he is from Spain,” Yuzuru answered.

“Spanish, huh? And you guys have no trouble communicating with the language barrier?” she asked.

Yuzuru shook his head. “He already train here when I come in two-thousand twelve. He had good English already, but mine was very bad, but he still understand me. We are both skaters, so we have way to communicate without words at the start. He could tell Coach what I mean when I cannot say it in English and it made us become friends.”

Dr. William nodded. “So you’ve been dating a while?”

“Over one year,” he answered. “It is secret, but that is okay with him.” Dr. Williams seemed satisfied talking about Javier, because she once again changed the topic.

“So, what do you think is wrong if you are not depressed?” she asked him, changing topics in a way he did not expect. “Surely if your boyfriend, your mother, and your coach are all worried, there must be a reason.”

Yuzuru sighed, slumping down in his seat some. “I am not depressed. I have much shame and need to do good to make people forget.”

She patiently tilted her head. “What do you want people to forget that you are ashamed of?”

He blushed, looking down at his pants. “This summer, there was… accident. Involving my boyfriend’s cell phone, the internet, and a photo of us.”

She hummed. “A compromising photo got out,” she realized and he nodded. “Did it out you guys?”

He shook his head. “Official statements were that it was not me in the photo and the photo did not come from him. You can only see bottom half of my face in the photo so it is able to be denied. And the photo got texted to a man he does not really know who shared it with someone else and someone took photo of that photo and share it on the internet.”

“But it caused doubt,” she realized and he nodded. “I can imagine it has caused a lot of stress in your life, huh?” He nodded again. “You don’t think you are depressed, just that the shame means you have to be perfect so people forget about that photo and remember your score instead?”

“If I am the best, nobody will care,” he agreed.

She wrote something down and he almost expected her to say they were done, but instead, she changed the course of the conversation. “What sort of things are you doing that worry your family and friends, do you think? What changes have you made recently in your training or daily life that would cause them concern.”

He fidgeted with his sleeves, looking around the office while he thought. She had a window with a lovely view of a park below them. It was not a very high office, just high enough that the treetops were outside the window. The office itself was fairly dark, but in a comforting way, not in a menacing way. Warm brown colors and some dark red carpet made it very peaceful. He could understand why people might feel safer in a space like this. It was not wide open, but it was not suffocating. He bit his lips as he turned back to her to see she was waiting patiently. “Easiest is boyfriend,” he said, guilt dragging his shoulders down. “I- I do not want sex anymore. I feel guilty I do not want to be with him that way now, but I just- I just cannot.”

She nodded. “Do you not desire him any longer, or do you feel afraid it will happen again? Someone will take another photo?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. Any time it starts to happen, I think about how ashamed I was of the photo and I do not feel fear. I just do not feel want to have sex.” He felt very uncomfortable talking about sex but he knew it was the most obvious thing Javier had to think about when fearing Yuzuru might be depressed. 

She seemed more engaged, so he figured she must have some idea about this situation. “Do you feel shame that you are having sex with a man?”

“No,” he said quickly. “I never feel that I am bad because I am gay. I would be just as much shame if it was a lady in the photo.”

“How long has it been since you and your boyfriend had sex?” she asked, and he felt _very_ uneasy about how calm she was to just ask about his sex life. She seemed to notice and smiled. “Yuzuru, we’re adults. There’s no reason to be embarrassed. I can’t tell anybody anything you say.

He nodded and sighed. “Since- since the time in the photo. So…” he thought hard. “Two months.” He quickly leaned forward some. “But I was not here with him until one month so we were not in same place.”

She leaned back in her chair some. “Is it common for you two to go a month without having sex?”

He shook his head slowly. “Not when we are together. We travel a lot and we do not see each other all the time, but when we are together that is not normal.”

“Do you ever think about having sex with other people?” she asked. “Is it an issue with him that you associate with the photograph? For example, do you think if you were with a former lover it would not be this way?”

Yuzuru blushed some and looked away. “I have not had sex with other people. He is only man I ever date. So I do not know.”

He did not expect her next question to be, “Do you blame your boyfriend for the photo?”

Yuzuru looked up quickly and shook his head. “No! It was not his fault!” he defended rapidly.

“Okay, okay,” she said, holding up a hand. “I’m sorry if it seemed like I was blaming him. I promise, I’m not passing any judgment and I don’t even know him, so I can’t blame him,” she said and he relaxed some. “I’m just trying to determine what could be the cause of your lack of desire for him.” She waited or him to relax again and moved on. “Do you only not want to have sex, or do you also not want to be intimate with him in other ways?”

Yuzuru’s stomach squirmed and he looked down. “No. I feel… better. When I am with him. More calm,” he said, gesturing as if settling something down. “I do not feel so much nerves when I am with him. I probably am more touching and kissing with him than I would be normally. When he is hugging me or holding my hand or just sitting close where I can feel him, things do not feel so big,” he said, struggling to articulate exactly what he meant. “My brain feels more quiet when he is with me.”

She smiled at him. “You seem to be very comfortable with him, then,” she prompted and he nodded.

“I never feel more like me than when he is there,” he said, feeling a flutter of warmth in his chest just thinking about Javier. 

Dr. Williams seemed interested in that. “When you say you feel more like yourself with him, do you feel not like yourself lately?”

He made a face. “I am being…” He gestured with both hands as if pushing something down. “I am being less.” Yuzuru felt strange admitting that because he hadn’t really noticed it before. “I do not want to do a lot of things now. I feel less energy so I do not make so much jokes at practice. I focus my energy on things my coach wants me to do. I do not feel like I should waste his time or my time telling what I think should change. I always want make changes, but now I just think I should focus on letting him make me best. I have to be best or people will focus on shameful things and not on my skating.” He shook his head. “I know they will talk about the photo, but I think they will talk less if I win, and I need to focus on training and not arguing.”

Dr. Williams nodded slowly as she made another note. “What do you like to do when you aren’t skating or with your boyfriend?”

He hummed, thinking. “I like to play video games a lot. And I do schoolwork. I am doing classes online for University back in Japan. I like to listen to music a lot, too.”

“Do you listen to music and play your video games much recently? Or is all your time focused on your schoolwork, your boyfriend, and your training?” she asked and he hesitated.

“The last,” he said awkwardly. “I do not feel I have much free time lately. I must rest and train and when I have free time, I like to spend it with my boyfriend.”

Dr. Williams closed her pen, surprising him, and she sat up straighter. “Yuzuru, we’re almost out of time, but from what all we’ve talked about today, I do think you are showing signs of depression,” she said and he was surprised. 

“But I am not sad or think bad things about myself or stuff like that,” he said and she nodded.

“There are a lot of ways people can be depressed. A few main things you have said today make me believe you could benefit from treatment,” she said. “You mention having low energy which is one of the most common symptoms of depression. You exhibit signs of lack of interest in things you once enjoyed.” She waved a hand. “Also, another common symptom, especially in men, is a low sex drive. Now that very likely might be related to the photo that came out, but I feel fairly confident that the events surrounding that most likely triggered this depression, which is supported by the fact that you still desire physical contact with your partner even though you don’t desire sex with him. Needing to feel close to someone who gives you comfort is a less common but still known symptom of depression, again, especially in men.”

He bit his lip. “But I did not think depression was caused by things. I study things about the brain for school, and I learn that depression is about chemistry in your brain.”

She nodded. “And often that is the cause, but it’s entirely possible to have reactive depression after some event occurs. It’s usually something traumatic enough to cause depressed mood without actual Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. With your case, it’s very likely the events surrounding that photo coming out has caused higher levels of stress than even your competitive-stress-readied body can handle easily.” She smiled at him comfortingly. “In your case, most likely it is not going to last very long. Symptoms of this type of depression rarely last more than a few months and they’re mild enough it doesn’t cause the more severe symptoms that normal clinical depression can cause.”

Yuzuru’s heart sank. “What- what should I do?” he asked softly. “Do I just wait until I get better?”

She shook her head. “You can, but I don’t recommend it since you are in the start of a highly competitive sport season. I wouldn’t recommend medication, but there are steps to take to make you feel better faster, and one of them is therapy, just like this today. I would recommend at least one hour per week to just talk about things that are happening in your life and how you are handling them. I can also write you a list of recommended activities to help return to your normal lifestyle. The sooner you can get back into your normal habits, the better. There are also foods that studies suggest can help alleviate the symptoms of mild depression. I could write you out a list of those as well.”

Yuzuru nodded slowly. “I- I want to stop worrying my family and friends. I did not really think about how different I have been lately, but I want to be back to normal.” 

While Dr. Williams went to her desk to start writing some things on a pad of paper, Yuzuru was really struck by how much he meant that. He had not really noticed how far from normal his day-to-day life had gotten, but he really did want it to be normal again. He was tired of his life being so messed up lately. He wanted things to be okay again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the next few days at least, this one chapter per day thing will continue, so who knows! Maybe we can finish the rest of the fic on one chapter per day???


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some sexy, sexy stuff in the latter half of the chapter ;] Just a warning not to read it in public! hahaha

Javier didn’t see Yuzuru for a few days after his appointment with the psychiatrist Brian and Yumi found for him, but Yuzuru had called him to talk about it the night after it happened and he seemed hopeful that the things she said could help. Javier had been heartbroken when Yuzuru confirmed that he did have the symptoms of mild depression probably brought on by the stress of the photo getting out, but the fact there was something to fix now was helpful.

Yuzuru sat on the counter while Javier cooked them dinner – something he rarely let him do since his mother cooked special things for his diet usually – and talked while Javier listened and cooked. “She says I need to get back to normal habits, so now I have to play games like it is training,” he said with a little giggle that warmed Javier’s heart. “I must play games and I must argue with Brian and I must listen to music more.”

Javier chuckled. “So your homework is to annoy your mother and coach?” he asked and Yuzuru nodded with a big smile.

“I did not know I was not okay,” he admitted. “I am not sad so I did not know things were bad. She says when it is only a little bad things are not so obvious.”

Javier smiled. “I was getting really worried,” he confessed as he stirred stuff in a pan. “I didn’t want to talk to you about it because I was worried you would push me away.”

Yuzuru hummed. “Dr. Williams says I use you as a crutch. She says I am happy with you so I try to be with you too much. That is the only thing I do not like,” he said and Javier looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. Yuzuru pouted. “She say I need to not be clingy. It is good I still have good relationship, but is bad when I am too much with you.”

“I don’t mind you being clingy, but it is probably better to get back to usual, Yuzuru,” he said gently and Yuzuru nodded with a deeper pout. “Also, I do not think your mother really enjoys you trying to sit in my lap when we are having dinner at your house,” he pointed out and Yuzuru blushed sheepishly.

“I guess that is true.” He shrugged. “She says I do not need medicine since I train a lot, but I must eat more fish and take some vitamins she says I may not get enough of and write down what I do every day and talk about it when I meet with her.”

Javier nodded with a warm look Yuzuru’s way. “That sounds like a very good idea to me,” he said and Yuzuru smiled brightly. “I have a tip on the first thing you should to,” he said and Yuzuru tilted his head expectantly. Javier smirked. “Get a more ‘Yuzuru’ costume for your long program.”

Yuzuru’s eyes widened. “You saw it?!” He put a hand on his face. “I did not think it was so bad, but Brian say it look like something I would not wear to sleep in.”

“Yuzuru, you love sparkles and ruffles and it’s a _sweater_ ,” he said firmly. “Querido, that was how we finally realize you are not okay.”

Yuzuru pouted. “I just thinking that if I look less pretty people will pay attention to my skating, not make guesses about me being gay.”

Javier tutted, reaching out to rub a hand on Yuzuru’s knee. “If you stop being who you always are, people will think something is wrong, and you are sparkly, ruffley Yuzuru Hanyu.”

“I guess,” Yuzuru said with a sigh. “It is just hard to be Yuzuru Hanyu lately.”

It hurt Javier’s heart to see how clearly Yuzuru was struggling. He stepped over and leaned in to kiss his cheek. “It will get easier, Yuzu. I know it will.”

“How?” he asked and Javier just winked.

“Because I will always believe in you.” Javier grinned at the adoration in Yuzuru’s eyes as he looked back at him, because that was his Yuzuru right there. 

~

After dinner, they did not have much time before they needed to get to sleep. Yuzuru had an early morning training session and Javier needed to be up in time for a video interview for a show in Spain. He washed up while Yuzuru got ready for bed, and when he came into the bedroom he couldn’t help but stop in the doorway and just smile at Yuzuru sorting his laundry from the basket into the dresser while wearing nothing but one of Javier’s baggiest shirts and his underwear. 

“Is there any particular reason you’re folding my laundry?” he asked and Yuzuru looked up with a smile.

“Because you are lazy,” he teased. He closed the drawer and walked around to his usual side of the bed. Javier shucked off his shirt and went to change into pajama pants while Yuzuru folded the covers back before climbing into bed. “You should put clothes away when you get laundry done,” he chastised and Javier rolled his eyes as he pulled his jeans off and tossed them over the chair at his desk. 

“I was tired from training,” Javier defended. He opened the drawer to find some pajama pants, only to be stopped by Yuzuru’s voice from behind him.

“Javi.”

“Yes, Yuzu-“ Javier’s voice trailed off when he turned back and saw the way Yuzuru was lying across the bed propped on one elbow with his long, slender legs crossed in a very provocative way. 

Yuzuru bit his lip and gave Javier a heated look from beneath his eyelashes. “You don’t need those,” he said, crooking a finger at him.

Javier’s breath caught in his throat and he hesitated. “Are- are you sure?” he asked, and Yuzuru just nodded, lip curling in a small smile as Javier slowly pushed the drawer shut. Javier walked to the foot of the bed and crawled up until he was within range to kiss Yuzuru. He hesitated, reaching out to touch his cheek gently. “Should we talk about this first?” he asked, and Yuzuru pouted.

“Javiiii,” he whined and Javier gave him an apologetic smile as he sat back on his knees, reaching out to stroke a comforting hand up his thigh. 

“Querido, you haven’t wanted anything like this in a long time. I just want to be sure you’re not pushing yourself,” he said, and Yuzuru’s pout deepened.

“You don’t believe me?”

Javier gave him a stern look. “Yuzuru, I do, I just know that you’re really trying to get back to normal and I don’t want you to just do this because it’s ‘normal’, not because you want it.” 

Yuzuru grumbled under his breath as he sat up and crossed his legs under him, putting him knee to knee with Javier. “You are not all wrong,” he confessed, tangling his fingers with Javier’s loosely. He looked up at him with a guilty look. “I’m still not really desiring sex,” he confessed, and Javier gave him a sad look. “But I want to try. I need to get past whatever is stopping me, and besides, sex is good for brain. Makes good chemicals,” he said and Javier rolled his eyes.

“So you want to use sex for medical purposes,” he teased and Yuzuru smacked him on the knee half-heartedly.

“It is not like that,” he said with a playful glare. “I want to try. I think if I start, maybe the want will happen. Not feeling want is normal for what is wrong with me, but I still feel good when you are kissing me and touching me, so it is not that I do not want that sort of thing,” he explained. “I am not forcing myself, I _want_ in brain and in heart, I just do not want with body.” He frown. “Kind of like old man problem,” he said, and Javier couldn’t help a burst of laughter at that. Yuzuru gave him an unimpressed look and Javier couldn’t stop laughing.

“I’m so sorry, I really am,” he said, leaning into Yuzuru’s space as he laughed. “Oh, Querido, I will miss your way of saying things when you eventually have absolutely perfect English,” he said, leaning in to kiss his forehead.

“Javi, this is serious,” he chastised and Javier stifled his laughs

“I know.” He cupped his face in both hands. “So it isn’t that you do not want to have sex. It is that your mind isn’t sending the message to your body,” he said and Yuzuru nodded.

“Nothing is wrong physically, so it is not like I cannot. So this is why I want to try.” He smiled at Javier. “If I do not want, I will tell you I change my mind, promise,” he said and Javier really couldn’t argue with that.

Javier sighed, closing his eyes before looking up, nodding. “If you decide you do not want this, you will stop, yes?” Yuzuru nodded. “Promise?”

Yuzuru grinned. “Promise,” he said, sliding his hands into Javier’s. “Kiss me?” he asked and Javier did as he asked and leaned in to kiss him. 

It wasn’t that they didn’t kiss anymore. Javier had gotten used to random outbursts of affection from Yuzuru, in fact. However, they hadn’t kissed with the intent of causing arousal in a long time. What started as just a kiss turned into Javier lying Yuzuru back against the pillows and holding himself above his body. When they took a break to breathe, Yuzuru giggled some as he reached up and plucked Javier’s glasses off his face. “Keep bumping cheeks,” he murmured and Javier kissed one of them as he turned to put the glasses on the bedside table. Yuzuru’s head turned gave Javier perfect access to his long, beautiful neck, and he wasted no time kissing the tendon that stood out. “Oh,” Yuzuru squeaked and Javier smiled against the skin beneath his mouth. 

Settling between Yuzuru’s parted thighs so that he could continue paying attention to Yuzuru’s neck – careful to keep it low enough that his high-collared training tops would cover any marks – while his hands explored Yuzuru’s body, Javier remembered how good this felt. It had been so long that Javier luxuriated in the feeling of Yuzuru’s legs beneath his fingertips. He had forgotten how perfect the curve of Yuzuru’s hips felt in his hands. Yuzuru’s thighs bracketed his hips as he slid his hands up under the shirt Yuzuru was wearing and trailed them along the curve of his waist and up to his chest. “Off,” Yuzuru muttered and Javier pulled away long enough to look at Yuzuru’s shut eyes and pink cheeks and decide he wasn’t just saying that.

In one quick move, Javier rolled them both over, pulling Yuzuru onto his lap, and Yuzuru looked surprised until Javier smirked and caught his wrists. “You do it,” he said, guiding Yuzuru’s hands to the bottom of the shirt. 

Yuzuru blushed some, but Javier recognized the fire in his eyes as he grasped the hem of the shirt and _teasingly_ peeled it slowly up his body and off over his head, revealing his body inch by inch. Javier moaned softly and shifted his hips beneath Yuzuru as he watched the slow appearance of beautiful, pale skin. When the shirt was tossed aside, Yuzuru looked down at him with a serious expression. Javier raised an eyebrow, but Yuzuru’s only response was to take Javier’s hands in his and guide them to his body. Javier took the hint and traced the lines of Yuzuru’s abs up to his chest. Yuzuru closed his eyes and exhaled audibly as Javier’s fingertips mapped the curves and hard edges of his body. It was obvious he had missed Javier’s touch as much as Javier had missed touching him. 

They took their time, trading places with who was on top and on bottom as they kissed and touched and tasted all of the skin neither of them had done those things to in a very long time. By the time Javier realized Yuzuru really wasn’t going to stop, they were both fully naked and Javier had kissed every inch of Yuzuru’s body. Yuzuru’s skin shimmered with sweat and that caused his fingertips to slide from where they dug into Javier’s back while Javier rocked their bodies together at the same time paid attention to Yuzuru’s nipples. “Javi, please,” he moaned softly. “Want to feel you inside,” he said, and Javier pulled away far enough to look into his eyes. 

“Inside you or inside me?” he asked and Yuzuru rolled his eyes.

“Whatever way you will let me,” he said a bit testily, though humor shined in his eyes to show his playfulness. 

Javier grinned and kissed him with a ‘smack’. “Condom or no?” he asked as he leaned over Yuzuru to find the lube in the bedside table. Usually they used condoms just because it was less messy, but since they both had medical checks pretty often due to their sport and they were faithful to each other without any doubts, they sometimes did not bother. 

“Not tonight,” Yuzuru said, and Javier nodded as he came back with the bottle, settling back into place on top of Yuzuru. Yuzuru cupped his face in both hands, looking into Javier’s eyes. “I do not say enough that I love you,” he said absently, as if it was just a random thought that occurred.

Javier’s heart still swelled all the same. “You tell me every single day,” he murmured as he turned and kissed Yuzuru’s palm. He shifted enough to one side that he could get his hand between their bodies so he could gently open Yuzuru without moving away from their closeness. He looked into Yuzuru’s eyes as he began to carefully prepare him and he could see the desire in his eyes. “You tell me you love me in your kisses,” he whispered, pecking Yuzuru’s lips. “In the messages you send me when we cannot see each other.” He kissed his cheek. “In the way you smile at me.” He trailed his lips down his jaw. “In the way you trust me.”

“You are amazing to me, Javi,” Yuzuru sighed, arching his back some. He stroked at Javier’s curls gently. “I want that I always feel special like you make me feel.”

Javier enjoyed this feeling. It was not their norm to spend half an hour just kissing and touching before spending a good ten minutes just preparing and talking about their feelings. Yuzuru was usually very impatient in bed. However this wasn’t just any normal time they made love, this was about Yuzuru trying to overcome symptoms of depression that were hurting him. Javier knew that it wasn’t Yuzuru’s choice to not have sex all this time. It was obvious that he was hurting and the lack of sex was a sign of that. Now, Javier was able to help Yuzuru. For all his fear that Yuzuru was pushing himself, it was nice now to realize that, though his body was not as eager for sex as it usually was, Yuzuru still felt that want and, though a slower approach, was able to become aroused, just like Yuzuru had hoped. 

When he entered Yuzuru’s body, Yuzuru made a sound of pleasure that was almost better than the physical feelings Javier had. Javier had missed sex, but more than that, he had missed Yuzuru being happy like he was when they had sex. Javier smiled at Yuzuru’s little ‘uh’ sound and chuckled softly. “Like that?” he asked, and Yuzuru flushed and put his hands over his eyes.

“Yes,” he whispered bashfully, making Javier grin. Yuzuru peeked from behind his hands and Javier gave a small thrust while looking into his eyes, which made Yuzuru squeak and put his hands back over his eyes. “Stop looking,” he whined and Javier tutted, holding himself on one hand as he used the other to tug Yuzuru’s hands from his eyes.

“Yuzuru, I am inside of you, why can’t I look at your eyes?” he asked teasingly and Yuzuru revealed blushing cheeks. “You’re adorable when you make weird sex sounds,” he said and Yuzuru pouted.

“It is embarrassing,” he said, though he then squeaked again when Javier moved inside of him again. “Oooohhhh.” Javier couldn’t help but laugh at such a strange noise. “Oh my God,” Yuzuru groaned, still bright red. “I hate you.”

Javier grinned and leaned in to kiss him. “Liar,” he accused, earning a bright-eyed little smile. He moved again and Yuzuru’s breath made a little wheezy noise and that only made him whine in embarrassment again. Javier kissed his cheek. “If you want me to stop, I can always-“

“No!” Yuzuru protested, wrapping his legs around Javier’s back to hold him in place. “Embarrass noises not reason to stop,” he said and Javier smirked. “It just- it has just been long time,” Yuzuru sighed. “You always make me feel really good, and now it is make me make strange sound.”

Javier smirked and slid his thumb across Yuzuru’s bottom lip. “If I kiss you the whole time, you can’t make embarrassing noises,” he suggested as he started a very slow, very shallowly thrusting rhythm, more on undulation of his hips than anything.

Yuzuru’s reaction was to let his eyelashes flutter shut and a sigh escape his parted lips. “Stop talking and kiss me then,” he said and Javier wasted no time complying. 

Later, when their giggly, awkward-sound-inducing lovemaking had ended in them lying tangled together in a sweaty pile of satisfied bodies, hearts, and brains, Javier mentioned tiredly that Yuzuru would be under-rested for his morning training session with how late they stayed up. 

Yuzuru opened on sleepy eye and turned to press a kiss to Javier’s chest, just over his heart, and Javier felt an overwhelming surge of love when he said, “It is worth it to realize I am not too sick to do this with you. I am always better when I am happy and Javi makes everything happy.”

Yuzuru fell asleep in his arms and Javier lay awake a while longer just appreciating how lucky he was that Yuzuru decided to try this and give them both that love and affection they needed in these troubling times.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this is not the last 'one chapter a day' but for now we are caught up with where I'm writing!!!

Yuzuru’s recovery wasn’t fast, not that Brian expected it to be, but it was a little worrisome that, though he was clearly trying, he still wasn’t his normal, involved self when it came to training. Brian tried giving him suggestions he _knew_ Yuzuru wouldn’t like to see if he would challenge them, but it still didn’t happen often.

However, it was obvious Yuzuru wanted to be himself again because every few days, there would be a few minutes where Yuzuru came up to Brian and started listing things he did not want to do or things he wanted to do that Brian did not want him to do. He seemed to be forcing himself to argue, which was a little heartbreaking, but Brian was comfortable enough knowing that Yuzuru was working on it and was no longer just stuck in a rut of being depressed without doing anything about it. 

“I want to do quad lutz in second half,” he said firmly and Brian raised an eyebrow. 

“Yuzuru, your success rate is not high enough to also put it in the back half. Your stamina has suffered lately, and it was already pretty tight-“

“But I need it,” Yuzuru said in a tone more patient than he usually was when they argued about jump placement. Brian knew it was because he was forcing himself to do this, but it still was a sad sign when Yuzuru wasn’t as spirited as Brian had grown to know him to be. “Lutz is big because I have only three quads without-“

“And you can put it in the front half,” Brian urged. “I’m not saying your low success rate is a reason to take it out, I’m just saying-“

“But I need more points in case I fall,” Yuzuru argued. “Bonus will make up for fall deduction if I make all the way around.”

Brian chuckled at the nerve Yuzuru was exhibiting. It had been a while since Yuzuru tried to make him crazy. “Or you can just not fall,” he said and Yuzuru huffed. It was crazy that it was a good sign to see Yuzuru getting frustrated with him. “Look, train it harder. Focus on upping your success rate. If you can’t do that, then you can’t put it in the back half. That’s a good way to get hurt,” he said and _that_ caught Yuzuru’s attention. “If you get hurt, you won’t go to the Olympics,” he said and Yuzuru’s jaw clenched. “We’ll work on your stamina and if you seem like it’s working out, we can talk about changing the jump composition, but for the first few competitions, you really need to listen to me, Yuzu,” he said softly.

Yuzuru groaned. “You are sounding like Javi,” he complained dramatically, but skated off to do what they were working on already instead of continue to argue. 

Brian kind of wanted him to fight harder for what he wanted, but he was still very proud of his recovery efforts to manage what he had. Brian really cared about all of his skaters, so to see one of them who worked so hard suffering so much through no fault of his own was just heartbreaking. Knowing that he was trying was worth the extra trouble. 

He was also reminded why Yuzuru was one of his favorites to train when, while Yuzuru was skating his cooldown, Javier finally rolled in fifteen minutes late. For a while there he’d gotten pretty punctual, but the leniency Brian had given him after a difficult summer was making him lazy again. He tried to just sneak past but Brian caught his eyes and held up his wrist, tapping his watch. Javier made an innocent face and put down his water bottle before stepping onto the ice. “I overslept, sorry!” he said, as he quickly started skating around to warm up. 

Brian saw Yuzuru roll his eyes at him when he skated past. “How you oversleep? You get up same time as me!” he said since they were the only ones on the ice this morning for training. 

“I went back to sleep after you left,” Javier said before skating away to do some crossovers and singles to get his legs warmed up. Yuzuru skated back towards the side where Brian was just waiting and rolled his eyes again, more dramatically this time as he got off the ice.

“How you ever make him skate good when he is so _lazy_ ,” he said a bit louder as Javier passed them, making sure he could hear him. Brian just laughed rather than reply. It was amazing to him that it took them telling him they were in a relationship for him to notice, because they acted like an old married couple. 

Yuzuru had taken off his skates and gathered his things by the time Javier came to a stop beside Brian to grab his water bottle and take a sip. “Hey, are we still going out for your mom’s birthday?” Javier asked Yuzuru, who looked up from where he was tying his sneakers.

“Yes, you must come at five or meet us at six.” Brian didn’t know it was Mrs. Hanyu’s birthday, he mused, not really listening in on their conversation but unable to not hear it. 

“Okay, I’m probably going to take a nap when he got home, but if I wake up late, I’ll just go straight to the restaurant,” Javier said and Brian rolled his eyes at how lazy that boy really was.

Yuzuru seemed to have similar thoughts. “Oh my God, why are you so lazy?” he said dramatically, making Brian stifle a snicker. “You already are late for sleeping more and you are going to sleep more after training too?” Brian grinned at the way Yuzuru put his hands on his hips as he looked at Javier. At least Yuzuru was managing to show more spirit when it came to being annoyed at his partner. 

Totally like an old married couple. 

~

Yuzuru was getting more comfortable with Dr. Williams and his sessions with her, but sometimes she wanted to talk about things he did not really want to talk about. “I- what?” he asked, cheeks burning as she looked at him with the most calm expression ever.

“I asked how much sex you’ve had the past two weeks. A number works, or just a descriptor,” she said and he put his hands on his heated cheeks, looking down at his knees. She tilted her head, pushing her glasses up her nose some. “We’ve talked about sex before and you weren’t so embarrassed,” she noticed and he glanced up, eyes widening.

“I just said I did not have sex for long time, it is not the same.” 

“How so? It’s still talking about the amount of sex you are having,” she said and he groaned bashfully, rubbing at his cheeks to will them to stop being so warm. “If you’re too uncomfortable you don’t have to answer,” she allowed, but he took a breath and shook his head.

If she was asking, he figured there was a reason. “It is just not normal for me to talk about sex. It is not something you talk so much about for my people.” He sat up straighter, wiggling around some as he thought. “We have sex for first time since the photograph some weeks ago, and one more time since then.”

Dr. Williams nodded. “Is that more or less than is normal for you?”

Yuzuru puffed his cheeks out, thinking. “I think it is a little less than normal, but it depend. Season starts very soon and we are working very much and are tired much. Last time it was this time of year, we just became together so there was much more sex, but I think that is normal for new love,” he mused.

She chuckled. “Definitely normal for a new relationship to have a honeymoon phase where there is more sex than a year later,” she informed him. “Okay, so you think it is less than normal, but not much?” she asked and he nodded.

“I am not feeling so much want as used to, but I am thinking that I _want_ to want sex, so I ask him to let’s try, and it takes long time for me to get ‘mood’,” he said, making a face. “But it happens that way.” He hummed. “That probably is part of why less, too, not just not wanting. More time means being tired makes more problems.”

She nodded, seeming curious as she noted something down. “So do you think you would have more sex if you had more spare time with less exhaustion?”

“I think so,” he said. “I am not sure, but I think, yes.”

Dr. Williams hummed. “And how do you feel about having sex again? Do you find it worth the extra trouble? Does your boyfriend react well?”

Yuzuru felt a warmth in his chest as he remembered Javier’s reaction. “The first time, I had to make him believe me that I want it,” he explained. “He think I was try to make myself because of expect of me, because I know not wanting sex is because of depressed. But I explain that I want in head and in heart, but not in body, but I think that if we try, body will want, too, and he agree to try.”

“And did it work that way? I assume so since you did have sex,” she said and Yuzuru nodded, still blushing slightly. “Do you feel that it is worth the extra time, or are you frustrated in yourself?”

“I like it for new reasons,” he said, trying to think of the best way to say what he meant. “It is not like before, but I like.”

“How do you mean?” she asked and he smiled as he looked down at his hands.

“I did not like being slow before. I have not much patient,” he said carefully. “It never is so long before, with so much before stuff.” He wiggled his finger in a circle. “Kissing and touching before sex,” he said and she nodded, showing she understood. “It feels more important.”

She nodded slowly. “So you feel that you are having less sex, but it is more intimate.” He nodded and she asked a question he did not expect. “Do you believe that your boyfriend feels frustrated at a lack of sex, or do you think he did but is satisfied now that sex, however different, is back on the table?”

Yuzuru had to actually think about that, because Javier never gave any impression he was unhappy with the lack of sex, but he could not imagine it was not hard. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “He never make me think he was not happy even though we did not have sex. He always is stopping if I do not let him touch me and he never make me say why. He is very…” Yuzuru gestured aggravated as he tried to think of the word. “Respect,” he said, knowing she would understand him. “He does not push and when we have sex now, he make sure I know it is fine to stop if I want to.”

“It sounds like your boyfriend really cares about your happiness and wellbeing,” she said and Yuzuru smiled to himself. “You mentioned once before that he is the only person you’ve ever had sex with. Do you know if he has had previous relationships where he had more or less sex with his partner than in your relationship?”

It struck Yuzuru that was an odd question but he shook his head. “I only know the two girls he date before me, and he has been more time with me than he ever did with them.” He waved a hand. “Not, not like longer dating, but more time in same place.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Your boyfriend has only dated women before you?” she asked, seeming surprised.

“Yes. He had girlfriend for some years who was other type of skater,” he explained. “She was nice but they did not see each other very much at all. Very busy and sometimes go months without being in same place. So I know we are more together than that. And last woman is now special situation.”

Dr. Williams hesitated. “Yuzuru, is your boyfriend seeing someone else?” she asked slowly. “You are aware he has another partner? You have never mentioned that you have an arrangement beyond monogamy.”

Yuzuru frowned. “What that mean?”

“Monogamy is only being with one partner at a time,” she explained and he made a soft, ‘oohh’ sound. 

“It is not like that,” he said, shaking his head calmly. “He was dating woman who used to be figure skater. She is from my country, so I know her well. She is older so she retired, but they train together before he come to our coach now. They were friend then, and there was…” He hesitated, wondering if he should tell her about Miki’s life. He looked at her, seeing the patience in Dr. William’s eyes, and sighed. “I will not use names, but I will explain, but it is not my story to tell,” he said and she nodded.

“Whatever you feel comfortable saying is fine.”

He nodded and explained their situation to her, especially being careful about Himawari, because though it was a strange situation, it was one that made them all happy. Dr. Williams seemed surprised but didn’t seem to judge him. She just accepted his explanation and went on to another question.

“Do you plan on this relationship beinglong-lasting?” she asked. “He is your first partner, and not many people plan for their first partner to be their only partner.”

Yuzuru’s chest tightened but he nodded. “I cannot imagine not being with him. I worry he will retire before me and leave Canada while I still am here often, but when we are both retire, it will all be okay, because woman and daughter are in Japan and I will be in Japan, so he will not have to miss half of his heart so he can be with other half.”

“It is good that you have a solid relationship,” Dr. Williams said, finally commenting as she often did when she was satisfied with the conversation. “Depression can often derail relationships, but it seems you have a very healthy relationship with your partner. This is a good thing, because having a support system you can rely on is helpful to your recovery. With your mother being your only family here with you and your coach having other skaters to deal with, it’s not that I worried they would not be supportive, but I worry that they are very busy. And though it’s obvious your boyfriend is also very busy, it is often intimate partners who offer either the most support or cause the most problems in your recovery. You seek more from them than you do a parent because you do not wish to burden a parent. Your boyfriend seems to be a very healthy partnership.”

Yuzuru smiled faintly. “You do not think it is strange or un-normal the way he also has family?”

She shook her head. “It is very unusual, but I think that is just more of an example of a healthy relationship. You have to have a good deal of trust in this sort of situation, and understanding, and a healthy balance of expectations from your relationship. It is nothing I have heard of before, but it seems to me that you, your partner, and this woman have found a very trusting arrangement. She trusts him to not prioritize his love for you over his love for her child, which has to mean she trusts him very much, and you have to trust him very much to allow him to live as a family with a woman he used to have an intimate relationship with and not think he might cheat on you with her.” She smiled at him. “This is a good thing, Yuzuru.”

He blushed and smiled bashfully. “He is the best thing,” he murmured and she nodded.

“The way he seems to be comfortable with the level of intimacy you are having makes more sense after learning how healthy your trust is. Not many partners handle lack of sexual desire very well, and it seems that you are making good steps in trying to manage a return to having a sexual relationship.” She shook her head. “Unlike what a lot of people tend to feel, sex is not something people have to have to be happy, but when you previously had a more fulfilling sexual relationship, it becomes something that partners feel more ‘together’ though doing. It is good that you’re making time to have sex and feeling comfortable enough for sex, because it seems that, for you and your partner, sex is not just sex, but it is a healthy expression of love, and your ability to at least try means that you are recovering. It may be slow, but it is a sign that you are able to get better.”

Yuzuru nodded. “I am trying because everybody seems less scared. I did not notice before, but they all act different around me and now that I am trying to be more like how I am normally, they seem happier.”

“Did your friends notice something was wrong, or just your mother, partner, and your coach?” she asked and Yuzuru’s heart dropped. He looked down at his lap and she seemed surprised. “Yuzuru? Did I ask something wrong?”

Yuzuru bit his lip. “No friends talk to me anymore,” he confessed. “All my friends are other skaters and after the photo in summer, coaches ban them all from talking to me. Especially friends in Japan. Even a few who retire cannot because they still have sponsors for after sports things and cannot risk.”

Dr. Williams seemed concerned when she asked, “Yuzuru, I realize it may be my fault for not bringing it up, but I did not know you were distanced from _all_ of your friends,” she said, and he nodded.

“I did not understand until after it happened, I was doing ice show in Japan and friend kept avoiding me and I think he is just embarrass because public is told it is not me in photo, but friends will _know_ my face.” He bit his lip, thinking about Shoma not looking him in the eye. “But when I try to talk to him, he say he is not allowed to talk to me, and I realize that explain others not talk to me. They cannot for fear of look bad like me.” Yuzuru sucked in a small breath. “I was happy to come back here because at home, nobody can look at me. It is less hard when I can pretend it is just not being in same country is why they do not talk to me.”

“How do you feel about your friends not being able to talk to you?” Dr. Williams asked. “Do you think it is just because of the ban, or do you think they don’t want to talk to you?” she asked.

Yuzuru couldn’t explain it, but for some reason, that question alone _broke his heart_. He put his hands over his eyes and started crying, because the truth was, he didn’t know the answer to that question at all.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh, not so happy this chapter!!!

No relationship was perfect, but Javier _hated_ whenever he and Yuzuru got into an argument. He hated it even more now that Yuzuru was struggling with depression, because he knew, in his heart, it wasn’t Yuzuru’s fault he was acting like he was. Usually their arguments happened because Yuzuru was stubborn and Javier was forgetful, and they always got over their fights pretty quickly. He was sure they would get over this one fast, too, but it still _sucked_ , because he knew damn well it wasn’t Yuzuru’s fault and that made upsetting him hurt all the more. 

It all started because Yuzuru had a bit of a setback in therapy. His doctor told him it wasn’t a setback, it was a breakthrough, but to Yuzuru anything that wasn’t ‘getting better’ was a setback. Javier held him when he started crying as he explained how, in therapy, he brought up the fact that none of his friends would talk to him anymore and how he had tried to pretend for so long that it was all okay and he didn’t need any friends. Javier let him stay the night so that he didn’t have to be alone after such a trying day in therapy. Javier even let him stay with him on their day off and spend the whole day with him. 

However, when Javier suggested Yuzuru try to start talking to his friends first, like his doctor suggested, Yuzuru refused and instead started on about how all he needed was Javi, he didn’t need friends. Javier didn’t want to upset him, but he knew Yuzuru needed to stop relying on him for so much. Javier loved having Yuzuru’s attention. It was no question of feeling tired of Yuzuru’s presence. He was Javier’s favorite person to talk to in the entire world and nothing would ever change that. 

But when he suggested that Yuzuru needed to get some distance and not spend all of his time just with Javier, Yuzuru got upset. Javier tried to be as gentle as possible, but Yuzuru jumped to the conclusion that Javier was getting tired of him, to which Javier’s reply was to argue that if he had gotten tired of him, he would’ve kicked him out already since he had stayed with him more lately than usual. He worried he had said the wrong thing and made him feel unwelcome, but instead Yuzuru had lashed out and shouted about how Javier didn’t seem to mind him staying over when he got sex out of it, which Javier knew that Yuzuru didn’t really mean, but it still made him angry, because he had given so much spare time trying to help Yuzuru lately. 

In the end, they got into a shouting match where they both said things they didn’t mean – half of which weren’t even in English since Yuzuru’s mental translation didn’t work as well when he got upset – and instead of storming out like usual, Yuzuru got quiet, like a kicked dog, and just hovered in the room while Javier tried to ignore him. He was angry at himself more than Yuzuru, because the fact Yuzuru didn’t storm out after shouting at him like he normally would during a fight that didn’t get resolved right away meant that he was really not okay right now, and Javier felt guilty for doing that. 

What made it worse was when Yuzuru finally crept over to his side, sat down, and leaned into his shoulder, laying his head on Javier’s chest, Javier _knew_ he couldn’t just hug him and apologize. As much as it killed him, he wasn’t wrong about Yuzuru needing to stop relying on him so much, so he had to pull away from him. “Yuzuru, you should go home.” He tried to be as calm as possible when he spoke, but he knew that no matter how kindly he said it, Yuzuru was going to feel so betrayed. 

“J-Javi?” he asked, reaching for his arm, but Javier stood up, closing his eyes as he felt Yuzuru’s fingertips brush his wrist. He stepped a few feet away, keeping his back to Yuzuru because he knew if he looked he would cave and continue to enable Yuzuru’s dependency more. 

“Yuzuru, I love you, Querido, but you need to go home. You can’t spend all your free time with me,” he said, and he could practically hear Yuzuru’s heart breaking. 

The soft inhale behind him made him clench his fists at his sides. “Javi?” The desperately soft tone Yuzuru used made that little ‘habi’ one of the most painful thing Javier had ever heard in his life. “Javi, please-“

“No,” he said firmly. “Go home.”

Yuzuru whispered his name one more time before he finally heard the sound of him standing from the couch and the soft steps of his graceful little walk, the one Javier found so adorable, as he went to get his stuff from the bedroom. He kept his back to the door so that he didn’t have to see the look of hurt on his boyfriend’s face as he left. “I am sorry,” he said in a painfully tiny voice before Javier heard the door open and shut softly, so different from Yuzuru’s door-slamming exits that occurred when they had a fight normally. 

He was glad that Javier wasn’t there that night, because it had been a long time since he cried in front of anybody that wasn’t Yuzuru and he didn’t want to change that anytime soon.

~

There were few things that Yuzuru hated more than feeling helpless, but that was exactly what he felt as he lay on his bed, staring at his phone. He didn’t realize how lonely he was until Javier and he got into a fight and the only person he had to talk to wasn’t talking to him. He was left looking through his Line contacts to try and imagine a single friend who might answer him if he messaged. He didn’t have a lot of friends anyways. He was friendly with other skaters at most events, but he didn’t really talk to hardly any of those people outside of shows and competitions. The only name he saw that he was sure would respond was Miki, but he wasn’t going to talk to her about his relationship problems. They had become close due to sharing a boyfriend, but this was not the type of thing he would talk about with her.

He thought for a moment about messaging his sister, but that was uncomfortable, too. He and Saya weren’t super close due to how much of his life had been separate from her as adults, and though she would still be there for him, he didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about his boyfriend problems, especially since it still gave him so much shame to know she was associated with his scandal from the summer that involved said boyfriend. 

Yuzuru lay there staring at the one name he thought he might get an answer from for so long, because he hadn’t spoken to any friends in months now. He didn’t know if he stood a chance of getting an answer, but he figured that he had no better option than to do it.

_Hi. Sorry it’s been so long._ (シ_ _)シ

Yuzuru didn’t expect an automatic reply, so he put his phone down, but when he stood up to go over to where Pooh-san sat on his dresser and rub his fat little face to calm himself, he barely got one squish in before his phone buzzed. However, it kept buzzing and he realized it was not just a message in reply. He tucked Pooh-san under his arm and went back to his bed, picking his phone up with some fear.

He had reached out first, so he had no excuse not to answer the video call, so he did. As soon as Kanako’s face appeared on the screen wearing a big smile he felt his eyes burn and a lump lodge itself in his throat. “Yuzu-kun! I’m so glad to hear from you! I was getting worried.”

Yuzuru’s smile was so wide it hurt even as tears started falling down his face. “You answered,” he choked out and she immediately gave him the most heartbroken look. 

“Oh Yuzu-kun,” she sighed and he wiped at his cheeks.

“I did not know if you would answer,” he confessed. “A lot of people were banned from talking to me, but I- I really need to talk to somebody, and I just- I’m sorry I didn’t try to message you before, but I was scared-“

“It’s okay, I understand,” she reassured quickly. “I heard rumors some people had been banned from talking with you after… the scandal,” she said, grimacing. “Sorry, sorry.”

He fell back on his bed, sighing as he got ahold of his emotions. “They were. And not even just Japanese skaters.” 

She hummed. “So, why do you need to talk to somebody? Did something happen? Are you having trouble with this season?” she asked with a sympathetic look.

He bit his lip, looking at her face on the screen. “Kana, you’re smart, so you know…” He trailed off, wiggling his eyebrows pointedly. She smiled sadly.

“That the photo was real? Yeah, Yuzu.” He nodded and she shook her head. “I couldn’t believe how badly people reacted,” she said and he grimaced.

“I don’t know about it,” he said quickly. “I do not go on the internet, ever, so I do not know other than my friends being banned from talking to me and the JSF trying to take me from my coach for putting me in ‘that kind of environment’,” he mocked, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, whatever,” she said, laughing. “I could tell you liked boys when we were small, it is not like you suddenly started liking boys because your coach does, too,” she said and he giggled a bit.

“I figured you knew,” he admitted. “You would always ask me what boys were cuter in camps, and I figured you weren’t just asking for a ‘boy’s perspective’.” He blushed suddenly. “Did you- um- did you suspect about me and him before…”

“Before the photo?” she asked gently. He nodded and she smiled. “I wasn’t sure,” she led with, before continuing. “But I suspected sometimes. However, when he got with Miki Ando I figured I was just wrong.”

Yuzuru sighed, relieved he could finally talk about this with someone that wasn’t a parent, coach, or doctor. “I never had a boyfriend before Javi, and he really was with Miki for a while, but she didn’t really love him that way and he didn’t love her that way, so they decided to just be best friends raising her daughter together, and when she realized I liked him back and she knew he liked me, she told me the truth so I would confess to him,” he said and Kanako cooed.

“Awwww, wow she really is a good friend for him if she set you up with him,” she teased. “How are things after the scandal?” she asked worriedly. “Is that why you need to talk?”

He groaned. “We had a fight but it isn’t even about him, really.” He bit his lip, because what he wanted to say now wasn’t something as simple. “I- I’ve been- been struggling with depression,” he confessed. “Nobody can know, because you know what a lot of people think about that,” he said quickly. “But- but I have it.”

“Oh, no. Poor Yuzu,” she said heavily. “Are you okay?” she asked and he shook his head, blinking back tears again. 

“I thought I was getting better, but- but the doctor I’ve been seeing brought up friends and I don’t- I don’t talk to anybody,” he said in a tight voice. “The others who train here, we get along, but we aren’t _friends_. Not like you,” he said sadly. “And I was scared after what happened with Shoma that you might not be able to talk to me so I didn’t want to try. Javi is my only friend and he’s my boyfriend and- and that’s why we fought,” he said in a rush. “I know he was right,” he whispered. “But it hurts.”

Kanako tutted. “You have to explain more, there. What was he right about that hurts to fight about?” she asked.

Yuzuru grumbled. “I rely on him too heavily. He makes me feel happy and safe and comfortable, so I’ve been spending _all_ my time with him. That’s one of the things my doctor says is a sign of my depression, the way I am very clingy with him. We had a fight because after the ‘friends’ conversation with my doctor, I stayed with him for two whole days and wanted to stay longer, but I need to- to learn to be on my own and with other people, too.” He gritted his teeth. “And I _know_ that. But he makes everything easier. I feel happy when I’m with him and I don’t have to think about how lonely it’s getting when I can’t even play video games online with Keiji anymore because he’s banned from interacting with me.”

“Well you have me,” she said firmly and he couldn’t help but smile hopefully. “I wish I had reached out to you, but I was worried you were too embarrassed or distancing yourself or something, so I didn’t want to bother you.”

He groaned. “I still don’t know how I’m going to show my face in public. I have to come to Japan in two weeks to do the start of season things, and it’s terrifying. I have never been more ashamed of anything in my entire life. I wanted to disappear. I hate whatever evil man got that text by accident and decided to share it with the world. He has ruined our lives and I hate him even if I’ve never even heard his name,” he said bluntly.

Kanako hummed. “It really was an accident, then?”

“Yes!” he said, sitting upright with somewhat of a crazy expression. “I would never let a photo like that ever be taken and Javier would never take one on purpose! He was using his phone for light and the screen was on the side he wasn’t looking at and he just kept hitting things and that happened,” he said quickly. “It was a horrible accident that will follow me for the rest of my life, but it _was_ an accident.”

“Well that’s good at least,” she said matter-of-factly. “Look at all those movie stars who take dirty photos to send to people and then get hacked. It’s terrible that happens, but at least you learned from that risk and didn’t take them on purpose.”

He huffed. “I’m just glad only half my face is in the photo so you can’t be _sure_ it’s me.” Yuzuru propped his cheek on his hand, frowning. “Fighting with my boyfriend is not fun.”

“I wouldn’t expect it is,” Kanako said kindly. “But you said it yourself, he wasn’t wrong, even if it was kind of dumb he made you upset.”

“I know,” he mumbled, pouting. “He’s been so patient with me, so I shouldn’t be so upset he’s finally lost some of his patience, but it still hurts.” Yuzuru looked at Pooh-san sitting by his hip and he reached out to squish his face. “I just have to keep telling myself he’s trying to help me.”

“Poor Yuzu-kun,” she cooed. “Do you at least feel a little better talking to me?” she asked and he smiled sadly and nodded.

“I am happy you didn’t just ignore my message like I was scared you might. Even if you retired, you still have sponsors,” he pointed out and she scrunched her nose.

“Eh, I don’t have to answer to anybody like that anymore. If someone finds out I’m talking to my friend and has a problem with it, I can just tell them what they can do with their sponsorship,” she said fondly, making him smile. 

“Thank you for still being my friend,” he said, and he knew from the heartbroken look in her eyes that she wasn’t expecting him to say that, but he meant it very much. He was so grateful and relieved to discover that, even if it was just one person, he hadn’t been entirely abandoned.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo this is not by any means where I planned this story to end. But this is the end.

Very little was more painful than seeing such great sadness on Yuzuru’s face when Javier got to the rink while Yuzuru was still skating around to cool down. Brian stood at the side of the ice and he nodded to Javier when he came in. “Javier, hi.” He glanced back at Yuzuru. “He’s nearly done. You can get your skates on and we’ll be good.”

Javier nodded and went to lace up his boots. He heard when Yuzuru got off the ice and he kept his head down. He couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes. He could still hear that tiny, heartbroken ‘Habi’ as Yuzuru left the other night and the guilt made him want to vomit. It was painful beyond words to know he hurt the man he loved, no matter how necessary it was. 

“Javi.” Javier’s heart clenched and he looked up to see Yuzuru walking to him. He fidgeted with Pooh-san in his hands. “Can we talk later? Not now, you need train,” he said quickly. “I can come over tonight? Just talking, I will leave after,” he added and Javier felt like the worst shit ever.

Javier reached out and grabbed his hand gently. “Yuzuru, please don’t feel like you can’t spend time with me. I’m so sorry for the other night. I just know that you need to be on your own-“

“I know,” Yuzuru interrupted in a tone so soft it was barely audible. “I know, Javi.” He looked Javier in the eyes. “We talk later, okay?”

Javier smiled and nodded. “I’ll buy some ice cream and kick Javier out for the night so we can talk without him around,” he promised.

Yuzuru gave him a small nod. “Okay. I will be there tonight.”

After he left, Javier sat there staring after him at the closed door with a heavy heart. “Javier, you okay?” Javier looked up at Brian, who raised an eyebrow. “You should finish getting on your skates,” he said, and Javier realized he had stopped with just one skate on. He nodded and quickly finished getting his skates on.

“Sorry, I’m coming. You know me, I’m lazy,” he joked, though he could tell Brian didn’t buy it at all. 

He had to focus on training now, but he would deal with his and Yuzuru’s problems later.

~

Javier hadn’t seen Yuzuru in the three days since their argument, so when he let him in, he couldn’t help but pull him into a hug. Yuzuru seemed nervous but didn’t shy away from sliding his arms around Javier’s shoulders, standing on his tiptoes to hug him close. Javier relaxed a little, just holding his boyfriend for a moment. 

“I know we have to talk about a lot, but you know that I love you, right?” Javier asked gently.

Yuzuru made a soft sound but he felt him nod against his shoulder. “Hai.”

When they finally let go of one another, Javier smiled nervously. “So, I went to three different stores to find your favorite ice cream,” he said, leading the way into the kitchen. 

He could see Yuzuru’s nervousness fading just a little when he saw the label on the ice cream Javier took from the freezer. “Green tea! Thank you,” he said, giving Javier a smile. “I could tell you where to get it. My mother buy it at this same store always.”

Javier grinned. “Next time I’ll remember to call your mother if I want to surprise you with something.” He got them bowls and spoons and found the ice cream scooper. Yuzuru took them with a smile and served them both ice cream. Javier felt saddened by how little Yuzuru got for himself, meaning his appetite was still not very strong. “You sure you don’t want more? You eat your weight in ice cream sometimes,” he said and Yuzuru just shook his head. When they went to the living room and sat to eat their ice cream, Javier was patient while Yuzuru enjoyed his ice cream. He knew that the smallest joys were helpful to Yuzuru right now He was having a hard time lately and he would rather sit in silence and watch Yuzuru eat than interrupt him enjoying even the smallest moments of happiness. 

And he did look happy. Yuzuru’s nervousness was still apparent, but his face was calm and his eyes did not look troubled. Javier had known Yuzuru for so long now he could tell when he was upset and he seemed to be peaceful. His depression wasn’t causing sadness, but it caused anxiety and fear and right now, Yuzuru seemed just calm and mildly nervous but still happy. Javier only ate half of his ice cream before it melted into soup because he was busy just taking in Yuzuru in this state. 

When Yuzuru put his empty bowl on the table, he started to get up but Javier stopped him. “We can clean up later,” he said, and Yuzuru nodded, turning to cross his legs under himself and face Javier. Javier spoke before he could. “I’m so sorry for how I treated you the other day, Yuzuru.”

“No,” Yuzuru said quickly. “You were not bad to me,” he said, looking at Javier. “It- it hurts me, but I need,” he said with a small nod. “I know I need thing I do not want. I want I spend all time with you, Javi, but I cannot. It is bad for me,” he said, seeming like he was having to force himself to admit this. “You make me feel safe and happy, but it is not good because it is co-“ He frowned, making a cute concentration face. “Coping! That word,” he said more lightly. “Coping thing. Dr. Williams say I use you for coping and not facing things I must face.”

Javier smiled sadly. “I know, Querido. I can see what’s happening and I know.” He sighed. “It just makes me feel like a horrible person to turn you away, Yuzuru. Pushing you away feels like breaking your heart, and it makes me feel like the shittiest boyfriend of all times.”

“It hurts,” Yuzuru confirmed. “But you must,” he said with a small shrug. “Also, good thing happened because of fight,” he said and for the first time, the smile on his lips matched a brightness in his eyes. Javier felt a small surge of hope and Yuzuru smiled. “I- I was feeling alone, and I was just- just very sad,” he said. “I need talk to somebody, so I reached out to Kana-chan,” he said, and Javier’s chest tightened. Yuzuru’s smile grew bright. “She talk to me and- and she say she only did not speak first to me because she scared I feel embarrassed if she does. And she says she will try to get others to talk with me and just not let coaches know, because she think at least some really miss talking, too.”

“Yuzuru, that’s amazing,” Javier said warmly. He was genuinely excited about this news. “Have you talked to her again?”

Yuzuru nodded. “Yes, I send messages with her every day since. I message her that night and she call me and we do video for a while, and now we message both days since.” He leaned against the couch, tipping his head to the side with a sigh. “She say since she retire, nobody can ban her like others. She is okay talking now.”

Javier reached out and put his hand on Yuzuru’s knee with a relieved smile. “I’m so happy for you. I know it is only one person, but I know you have to feel relief over this.”

“I really do,” he said softly. He curled his hand around Javier’s. “It give me hope. Also, it is good I can talk to her about some things and not put all my worries on you.”

Javier tutted. “Yuzuru, you can always talk to me-“

“No, I do not need to make you carry all my bad feelings,” Yuzuru said firmly. “Too much weight on shoulders hurts you. I cannot put everything on you.”

“I would take all of your suffering for you if I could,” Javier said seriously and he meant it. He loved Yuzuru and he would suffer for him in a heartbeat just so that Yuzuru didn’t have to feel any of this pain. 

“I do not want,” Yuzuru said quietly. “Relationship is both ways. I do not want to make all my bad feelings go on you. I know it is what I have been doing, but I do not mean to.” He shook his head. “I like you make me feel comfortable, but I do not like that I cannot be okay without. I must try to be okay without. And Kana-chan is good step to more support, not just from you.”

Javier nodded. “I just want you to be happy, Yuzuru. I hate any moment I cause you pain but I knew I have to push you away sometimes.” He shook his head. “I don’t want it. Ever. I don’t feel like you are smothering me or pushing all of your struggles on me. However, I know you _need_ to be okay without me.”

Yuzuru smiled sadly. “Please don’t feel too badly. I know, even if it hurts, you must. I was having bad night so it was worse. Today is not bad so I can admit it is not your fault.”

Javier couldn’t put into words what caused it, but the look in Yuzuru’s eyes, the simple acceptance that he understood why Javier must hurt him sometimes, struck a nerve Javier didn’t even know he had, and he had to look away because that look made his heart break. Javier took a few slow, deep breaths to try and stave off the burning in his eyes and the lump in his throat. It hurt so much to know that Yuzuru was suffering this badly. That hurt made Javier feel selfish, because Yuzuru was the one actually suffering, so Javier had no right to feel weak when he needed to be strong for Yuzuru. He wished so badly that he could be stronger and fix everything for Yuzuru. He knew that was a stupid hope, because Yuzuru was suffering mental illness, but it didn’t stop him from wishing. 

“Javi?” Yuzuru reached out and Javier felt a flare of panic as Yuzuru touched his face and guided him back so Yuzuru could look at him. Yuzuru’s eyes widened as he looked at the wetness in Javier’s eyes and saw the tightness in his jaw as his throat bobbed. “Javi, what wrong?”

Javier broke and laughed wetly. It was ridiculous how fiercely protective Yuzuru looked as he saw that. “We’re a mess,” he said with a chuckle. Yuzuru frowned adorably. “I can’t stand watching you hurt even though I know I can’t fix it, and I really didn’t want you to see me getting upset like this, because it’s not like being upset you’re hurting will help you, but look at you.” He turned and kissed the palm holding his cheek. “The second you see me tearing up, you get that look in your eyes like you would do anything to stop me from being sad.” He shook his head. “We’re the worst couple to deal with this situation.”

Yuzuru’s frown turned into a sad smile. “I think it is just love, Javi.”

Javier grinned. “True,” he said, shaking his head. “If there’s one thing we’re actually good at, Yuzuru Hanyu, it is love.”

Javier wasn’t expecting it, but Yuzuru laughed, a big, open, adorably ridiculous laugh, and Javier’s insides turned to mush. He loved nothing more than Yuzuru’s honking laughter. Yuzuru had the silliest laugh ever, and yet it was the best one Javier had ever known. Javier laughed as well, unable to help it. Their situation was ridiculous, and Yuzuru clearly didn’t mean to laugh so hard, but he couldn’t stop now that he started. Yuzuru pushed himself up moved to sit in Javier’s lap, curling his arms around him as he sat facing him, both of them laughing as they put their foreheads together and just sat there, shaking with mirth and holding one another. 

It was not the first time he ever thought it, but in that moment, Javier was struck with a realization he had never expected would come from the two of them laughing hysterically over something that wasn’t even all that funny. No matter what struggles they were facing now and would face in the future. No matter how hard this season would be. No matter how long it would take for Yuzuru’s depression to fade. No matter what they did after their skating days ended.

As he looked into Yuzuru’s eyes, Javier knew that wanted to spend the rest of his life hearing that laugh, and he planned to do exactly that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning to include more things, and I won't guarantee that won't happen in little fic snapshots in future, but when I reach this last sentence I realize this is it. That is the end. The story ends just how it should now and though I wanted more scenes in the story, I cannot justify continuing on and ruining this ending. The feeling it gives me is just right. When you write stories, sometimes you just know what feels right, and I am sorry if you wanted more, but I cannot. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading this story and for having patience on this last chapter going up!

**Author's Note:**

> I made a tumblr for this account so I can post about fics! [3ALover](https://threealover.tumblr.com/)


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